


When We Were Young

by Saturnjamesbuchanan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Music, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Regulus Black, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Good Peter Pettigrew, Good Regulus Black, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Inspired by Music, James Potter Lives, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Muggle Life, Mutual Pining, POV Regulus Black, Peter Pettigrew is a Good Friend, References to Depression, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black Lives, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Song: When We Were Young (Adele)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 22:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 22,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29616138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saturnjamesbuchanan/pseuds/Saturnjamesbuchanan
Summary: Slow burn Jegulus fic (Coffee shop/musician AU)Wolfstar also included*CURRENTLY INCOMPLETE*Regulus Black, struggling writer living in London. James Potter, failing musician and owner of the local coffee shop. Could it be anymore obvious?What happens when Regulus is on his way to leave London in hopes of finding inspiration for his writing but he fears his muse may be closer than he thinks, and what happens when his loose cannon brother shows up again, best friends and band mate with the owner of his favourite coffee shop?
Relationships: Marlene McKinnon/Gideon Prewett, Regulus Black/James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 29
Kudos: 56





	1. Coffee grinds

The overpowering scent of coffee grinds and paper filled the senses of Regulus Black as he strolled into the coffee shop, a small bell ringing as he opened the sage green door. He ran a hand through his dark brown hair, curls flying all over the place but still managing to look stylish. He had heard about the place from one of his good friends, Marlene Mckinnon, and since he was staying in town for a few months he thought that he may as well visit it and see if it lived up to the great praise she seemed to endlessly shower it with. 

It was a cosy place; a couple of vintage, maroon armchairs rested in the corner, surrounded by a large mahogany bookshelf, stacked with all kinds of classical literature and loose scatterings of papers that must have been left behind by the kinds of aspiring writers that London was famous for - the kind that Regulus was hoping to become. Further on, more chairs were scattered about - the cafe was on the smaller side but it was arranged in a way that didn’t feel claustrophobic like the downfall of many other smaller coffee places - and the central focus was a wooden bar (the same mahogany as the bookshelf) cluttered with all kinds of coffee makers, blenders, cutlery and ingredients. It was slightly disjointing but in such a charming way Regulus could feel a small smile growing on his face. 

“I’m so sorry to keep you waiting. I just had to clear up some stuff in the back, Peanut can be a nightmare sometimes.” A voice interrupted Regulus from his train of thoughts. 

The man who had spoken to him - now standing behind the bar he had just been observing, his hands braced upon his knees, his chest rising and falling quickly as though he was out of breath. He had floppy black hair, that seemed as if it was trying to escape his head by the way it was sticking out all over the place and deep hazel eyes, the colour of burnt caramel,

“Peanut?” Regulus asked, brows furrowing 

“My cat, she just- You know I think she just does stuff to wind me up sometimes,” the man flashed a smile. 

“Right.” 

An awkward silence settled over the two, the worker shuffling awkwardly on his feet and sucking in his cheeks as he tried to think of something to break the awkward silence,

“I- Um… I haven’t seen you around here before, are you like… Exploring the city… Or something.”

Regulus chuckled at his awkward way of phrasing things, usually he was the one stammering over his words so it was amusing to see the roles reversed, 

“No, no, it’s just my friend keeps hammering on about this place so I thought I might as well give it a shot, you know?” 

The man behind the counter chuckled and they both met gazes for the first time, “Is it Marlene?” he said with a smirk. 

Regulus laughed, Marlene must have the same speciality of attracting attention with everyone, “How’d you know?” 

They shared a knowing smirk, “Lucky guess I suppose. Well you know how she’ll get if you don’t try anything, what do ya fancy?” he said gesturing above him. 

Regulus looked up, attached to a wooden beam spanning the length of the shop were a few chalkboards displaying all kinds of coffee combinations, decorated with a banner Regulus recognised from Marlene’s prestigious notes she spent hours slaving over (if she wasn’t a film major Regulus could’ve sworn she would have past fine arts with flying colours). 

Regulus grinned, the two were closer than he thought, maybe Marlene had another reason for wanting to come here so often besides coffee, 

“What are you smiling at?” the worker said, 

“Oh nothing. Umm, I’ll get a hot chocolate, thanks.” 

“A hot chocolate… really?” the worker said, a playful smirk on his face, “You seem like the stoic ‘I only drink coffee, _black coffee_.’ type.”

Regulus laughed, maybe this new ‘friend’ of Marlene’s would be better than the others had been, “What’s your name anyways?”

“James, James Potter, you?” The worker - or James as Regulus now knew him as - asked as he started making Regulus’s drink,

“Regulus. Regulus Black.” 

“Fancy,” James said, handing Regulus his hot chocolate, it had been decorated with whipped cream and a smiley face made out of marshmallows, “Here ya go,”

“Thanks mate, how much do I owe you?” Regulus asked, reaching into his black leather wallet, rubbing his thumb across his initials he had embroidered into the side,

“It’s on the house if you give Marlene a good review of this place,” James winked. 

Regulus nodded and thanked him, taking his hot chocolate over to one of the maroon armchairs sitting at the front of the shop. He took a sip, the warm cocoa heating his mouth and a tiny bit of whipped cream settling on his nose. 

It was good hot chocolate. 


	2. More coffee and a whole lotta nerves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regulus finds out James is in a band and sees a familiar (but not so friendly) face.

“See, I told you you’d love it!” Marlene yelled after Regulus had told her about his thoughts of the cafe, 

“Ok love is a strong word I’ve only been there once Marlene, seems like you love it a whole lot though, Marlene,” Regulus said, wiggling his eyebrows as he sipped on his morning tea and read the front page of the news.

They were sat at a round dinner table in the small kitchen that came with the apartment Regulus was renting. It was cramped to say the least - almost as if the designer had forgot to include and just had to fit it in wherever they could, 

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Marlene said, a small smile creeping up on her face, 

“The guy who works there, nice fella I suppose,” Regulus grinned, “Is he going to be your newest victim?”

“REGULUS!” Marlene yelled, a blush rising on her cheeks, “REGULUS YOU DOG!”

Marlene’s screaming was interrupted by a loud stomping from the apartment above - a warning to keep the noise down, which sent the pair into another fit of giggles,

“You truly have some horrid neighbours, Reggie,” Marlene said after she regained her composure, 

“Oh come off it Marlene you know I hate it when you call me Reggie, ‘sides I’m leaving in a few months I can put up with them for a while,”

Regulus realised what he said and a sad silence fell over the two, “You know I wish you wouldn’t leave Reggie, you gotta find somewhere you want to stay at some point, I mean you're only a couple years younger than me and I’m almost 25!” 

“I know, I know, it’s just I don’t feel inspired if I don’t move, you know? I just get restless. I love London but… I just gotta keep moving.”

“Ah yes,” Marlene scoffed, “The infamous mind of the writer. Don’t you hear yourself Regulus you can’t just keep moving.”

“Yes I can Marlene.” Regulus said, teeth grinding as he didn’t like where the conversation was headed, 

“No you can’t. Hell, how do you even have the money to?”

“I just dip into the family savings a bit… Well a bit more than a bit but it doesn’t matter, my parents don’t care as long as I steer clear of them, now get off my back okay?” Regulus growled, a bit harsher than he intended, 

“I won’t get off your back, Reg. I’m worried about you.”

“I don’t need you to worry. For Merlin’s sake leave me alone!” he yelled, slamming his hands down onto the small table, tea sloshing over the side of the mug.

He shook his hand to get rid of the tea that had fallen onto him as he sighed, resting his head into his hands, ignoring the stomping of his neighbours (they really were awful neighbours).

The room fell silent. 

Regulus felt guilty snapping at Marlene as soon as he did it but the subject was touchy for him. He knew he was gonna hit the ground soon and he wanted to be running when that happened. 

He couldn’t stay a failing writer forever and he was doing anything he could to find that inspiration he needed. Rejection letters were piling up from all sorts of literary agencies, all of them with the same feedback: his work had no life to it, it was bland and boring and wordy but not in the pseudo-deep sense that he could play off as if he had the same genius mind as Brautigan. He had no passion for what he was writing, no muse. 

“Sorry, Reggie, you know I just hate to see you go,” Marlene said, her voice trembling ever so slightly, though it was obvious she was trying to conceal it. 

Regulus sighed and took a sip of his tea. It was cold now. He felt bad. Sure he only snapped a little bit but they both knew what he truly meant and It wasn’t fair of him to take out his anger on her when really all she was trying to do was convince her friend not to leave. He knew what it was like to be left and it sucked. 

He had always been bad at apologies but he wanted to make it up to her, 

“Hey, Marlene?” he said, trying to make his voice sound as happy as possible, “My tea’s gone cold, do you wanna maybe go back to that coffee shop you like? My treat.”

Marlene smiled gently; she was used to Regulus being grouchy at times but he always did make it up to her. 

/ / / 

The pair listened to the familiar bell ring once more. It was a cold day out and so the warmth flooding in from the cafe was thoroughly inviting. Today there was a couple more people in, an old woman and someone who was presumably her husband sat in the armchairs Regulus had sat in the day prior and a group of teenage girls sat huddled at the back, giggling over some celebrity news Regulus didn’t care to keep up with. 

An unfamiliar figure greeted them as he wiped down the espresso machine, “Hey guys, what can I get you today?” 

His dark skin seemed to be illuminated by the golden lights hanging from the ceiling beams and his eyes glistened with a hidden sort of mischief, 

“Umm I will have-” Regulus started, 

“Is James in?” Marlene interrupted, making Regulus chuckle, 

“No sorry Miss, he’s had a last minute rehearsal so I’m covering his shift, sorry,” the new worker tucked the rag he was using to clean the machine under his arm and stuck his hand out to shake theirs, “I’m Gideon, and I’m sure I can serve you just as well as James.” he said, winking at Marlene. 

Marlene giggled, not used to the slightly flirty attention she was receiving and it made Regulus grin, “Umm in that case can I get a hazelnut mocha?” she asked, a broad grin stretched across her cheeks,

“And I’ll get a chai tea, thanks,” 

As they were waiting for the drinks and made slightly awkward small talk, a poster caught Marlene’s attention, it was poorly edited, looking more like an MS paint project than a professional flyer, and listed a few dates for what seemed to be a music gig taking place at a park down the road, “Hey Gideon?” Marlene called, directing his attention from the assortment of coffee makers that looked far too complicated for what they were, “Who’s this concert for? ‘The Marauders’, I’ve never heard of them, are they good?”

“Oh yeah, guy you were looking for, James, right? It’s his band, we don’t talk much but he seemed pretty hyped for it. Let’s hope the music’s better than their advertising skills. I’ve gotten four complaints today alone, apparently he doesn’t understand you can’t just staple flyers on people’s doors without them knowing… Honestly, what am I gonna do with him.”

Marlene laughed - although it sounded more like a honk - before quickly slapping her hands over her mouth, embarrassed. Gideon laughed, his pearly white teeth shone and his eyes crinkled,

“You two should go, it’s in a couple days from now I think,” he turned to Regulus, “Careful, seems like your girl has taken a liking to him.”

A blush spread over Regulus’s pale cheeks, “O-oh n-no, we’re not, we’re not dati-”

“Oh that’s good, means I have a shot,” Gideon laughed as he cut him off and Regulus couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. 

They took their drinks to go and began to walk back to the small apartment, Regulus was mulling over his confliction; why wasn’t he letting this go? Marlene was her own person, she could date whoever she wanted. So why did he feel so... so angry? His thoughts were cut off as Marlene squealed, 

“Merlin, Regulus, look! It’s James!” 

She pointed across a large park surrounded by the picket fencing they were walking past, vast patches of grass spanned across it and was decorated by a large willow tree in the centre, the leaves gently fell as it swayed in the wind. There was also a murky looking pond not too far off from a playground for kids who lived nearby. Next to the willow tree, they saw a man with his back turned and crouching over some sort of equipment, a small plume of smoke billowing out above him, 

“What? Marlene how do you know it’s James? He’s halfway over a field for goodness sake-”

“He must be setting up for the concert Reggie, you heard what that man Gideon said, it was only a couple days away now. Come on Reggie we gotta go see him,” she whined, dragging out the words as she tugged on his coat sleeve. 

Regulus was definitely going to tease her about this later, “Fine. But stop calling me Reggie, I mean it.” 

Marlene laughed, “Whatever you say Reggie!” and before Regulus could say anything she had started to run off towards the man. _Merlin, she must really like him,_ Regulus thought as he watched the pair start to talk, an unfamiliar feeling growing in his chest. 

He shook his head, rubbing the small hairs that lined the back of his neck, Marlene was a friend. 

He half-walked, half-jogged over to the pair, wanting to get there quickly but also not wanting to look strange running through the park. Thankfully, it was a school day so no little kids were there to judge him. _Ok, m_ _aybe he was overthinking things._ As he got closer he heard snippets of their conversation, 

“That’s so cool! Do you know where James is, then?” Came Marlene’s voice. 

Odd. 

“I know right, wanna help me set up?” Came the man’s voice. 

It didn’t sound quite like James but he put it down to the cigarette lodged between his teeth muffling his words slightly, he didn’t like to smoke but hey, who was he to judge, 

“Yeah I’d love to,” Regulus could hear the excitement in her voice even from metres away as he continued to stride towards them. 

He smiled, Marlene worked on all kinds of film sets for her major and was always looking for a chance to show off her talents. 

“Hey James, Marlene.” Regulus said, announcing his presence as he got close enough to talk to the two without having to raise his voice. 

“James?” The man questioned, still not turning around, far too submerged into fitting together the pieces that Regulus assumed would make up the small stage they would play on, maybe even a stand to hold a couple of flashy lights, it wasn't often this small neighbourhood in London had live music so close to them and he had to admit, he was excited,

“Oh yeah, Reggie, you were right it wasn’t James, but he’s in the same band, can you believe it! He’s the drummer but he also helps with the staging and stuff, isn’t that impressive!” 

Regulus laughed, Marlene always loved to appreciate people’s talents, he wasn’t quite sure why she did it but it sure was a nice gesture, “Well it’s nice to meet you” he said, extending his arm to shake his, 

“Same here,” the man stood, finally standing and turning to face him as Regulus got a better look at him. 

He was wearing a white tank top, grey cargo pants and many rings donned his hands. His body had a thin sheen of sweat covering it causing his hair to fall in slightly greasy strands but that wasn’t what made Regulus drop his hand before the man could shake it - his jaw following suit. Nerves flooded his body and his mind seemed to blur until all he could focus on was the person in front of him - hands beginning to tremble as a look of recognition crossed the other man's face. The person he could recognise anywhere, no matter how much he tried to burn his image from his mind. 

The person who had left him all those years ago. 

The cigarette dropped from Sirius’s mouth, extinguishing on the slightly damp grass, 

“Regulus?” 

  
  
  
  
  



	3. Reunited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Black brothers reunion goes about as awfully as you can imagine

Regulus heaved again, the air in his chest fighting to claw itself out. His mind was overrun with emotions but he couldn’t focus on anything except getting rid of the pounding ache in his head. He made his way out of the bathroom, stumbling slightly and knocking his shaky arms on the door frame. His steely grey eyes were bloodshot and dry as they searched his kitchen for some ibuprofen. He grabbed a plastic cup out of his cupboard - not trusting himself with a glass one as his fingers felt like they could hardly grip - and filled it up with water. 

He fumbled with the ibuprofen packaging before hastily swallowing two of the dry tablets, the painfully bland flavour causing them to get lodged in his throat before he washed them down with a small sip of water (he was not sure how much he could handle). He noticed his phone sitting on the table, laying still. He vaguely remembered shutting it off when he finally got into his apartment almost two hours ago. He held down on the power button, the bright white contrasting the black apple logo made his eyes hurt before they had the chance to adjust. He waited. The sound of his breathing was loud in his own ears as he became painfully aware of how quiet his surroundings were. No Marlene chatting in the background, no low-budget soap opera on the TV, no awful neighbours stomping above him. It was completely quiet save for the screams of Regulus’s thoughts. 

Before he had time to dwell, his phone opened up to his lock screen: a photo Marlene took of him when they had first met. He was fresh out of school and had decided to visit Greece to ‘broaden his cultural horizons’ as his parents had put it (this could also be written as ‘we don’t want you in the house so we’re disguising this plot to kick you out as some life-changing experience’), coincidentally Marlene had also been on his flight. They had been talking for almost an hour when Regulus had shyly asked her to take a photo of him, it was his first time on a plane and he wanted to commemorate the occasion. Marlene took a selfie of the both of them instead, which Regulus had laughed at. They exchanged contact details and the rest was history. 

Just as Regulus was about to hold down on the photo and play the short clip that had come with the photo (it was mainly just Marlene grinning while Regulus messed with his hair), a text appeared from the very same girl, 

_‘Hey Reggie, hope you're okay :( Sirius won’t tell me anything :/ What happened with you too’_

He sighed as another text rolled through, 

_‘Can we meet at the cafe and you can tell me? You don’t have to’_

_‘Obviously haha’_

_‘:(‘_

_‘James is freaking out too but I think he knows more than I do :/’_

His thumbs shook as he texted back, 

_‘Not feeling it today, sorry Marlene’_

_‘I’m ok’_

He shut off his phone again. 

/ / / 

“Regulus?” 

Sirius stood frozen. He looked practically the same as when Regulus had last seen him, nearly eight years ago. 

“It’s me, yeah.” Regulus didn’t know what to say, years of bottled up hatred, sadness and guilt were hidden behind those words, 

“You- Um, you look good, um very older-” Sirius stammered, unsure of how to approach this, 

“You could’ve been dead”

That was one thing Sirius did not expect, 

“You could’ve been dead and I would have had no idea. Do you have any idea how messed up that is, Sirius?” 

The older brother averted his gaze. It was true, he felt so guilty about how he left but he knew he needed to. He couldn’t handle the blatant favouritism towards Regulus, the fights, the late nights on his motorcycle where all he could wonder was what he was doing wrong. He had to leave. He thought Regulus understood that, 

“Regulus… You knew I had to.” Sirius said firmly, willing his throat to not choke up,

“You could have taken me with you. You left me. You left me with… with them and you didn’t care. You were supposed to protect me. You were supposed to be like those brothers I’d see on TV and we were meant to play catch and have water fights and wrestle in the garden. But you left.” Regulus was releasing all of the hurt he had kept inside him, his lip quivered but he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

Sirius deserved to see all the pain he had left in his wake. The lone wolf clawed at his family until they fell apart, 

“Regulus, I cared, I always did,” he ran a hand through his hair exasperatedly, “You have to know I always cared-”

“That’s a lie and you know it.”

Sirius was about to respond when James and two unfamiliar men ran up to them, 

“Woah, woah, woah, what’s going on,” James said, panting slightly, holding Peanut in his arms, “I was just trying to get Peanut to stop attacking pigeons… What in Merlin’s name have I walked in to.”

Regulus looked back at Marlene, seemingly only just realising that she had been listening in on the whole thing. She looked close to tears, a build of not wanting to see her friend upset and confusion as to why he had never confided in her, 

“R-regulus,” Sirius took a deep breath, eyebrows furrowed and eyes glassy, “I’m your brother, I always cared. 

Regulus swallowed the lump in his throat, a tear weighed down his lashes before involuntarily slipping down his cheek, “You're no brother of mine.”

And with that he walked away.

It felt good to finally be the one leaving, not the one being left 

/ / / 

The faint sound of knocking broke Regulus out of his mind numbing loop of replaying the memory over and over again. He got up from the kitchen floor that he didn’t remember falling on to and made his way over to the door. He pulled the lock, the cool metal grounding his body into his surroundings, the haze over his mind slowly fading. 

Marlene opened the door for him, letting out a soft, _oh Regulus_ , before embracing him so tightly he would have been hurt if it was anyone else. But it was okay. Because it was Marlene. He didn’t know how long they stayed like that; it was long enough for the door to swing shut from the light draft and long enough for his heavy breaths to dissolve into sobs. Marlene shushed him gently, rubbing a soothing hand up and down his back. 

He slowly pushed away from her grasp. He didn’t need a mirror to tell him what a wreck he looked like; he could feel his cheeks stinging and he was certain the skin was inflamed from his tears, but he also didn’t feel vulnerable with Marlene, she would never judge him and that thought comforted him enough to wipe his eyes (softly as to not irritate the sensitive skin even further) and regain his steady breathing, 

“Oh Regulus…” Marlene whispered, her soft voice felt like honey over his ears, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m so sorry, Marlene,” his voice was hoarse, “I’m so so sorry, Marlene.” 

“Hey Reggie, no it’s okay. It’s okay, I understand.”

“No,” he spoke a bit louder this time, straining his vocal chords before speaking in a soft manner once again, “No you don’t- can’t understand…”

“Then make me understand Reggie,” 

"I will someday... Just let me hold you for a while." Regulus smiled softly, “You know how much I hate when you call me Reggie, right?”

Marlene smiled back, and the world felt a little lighter, “I know.”

She stepped onto her tiptoes, and grazed her lips gently over his cheek.

He grabbed her chin, and looked at her with softened eyes lightly stroking her jaw with his forefinger. He leaned down and brushed his lips against hers, resting his forehead on hers. 

“Reggie-”

He shushed her and hugged her once again, closing his eyes and resting his chin on the top of her head, swaying lightly on his feet as their heartbeats began to match each other's paces. After a couple of minutes he let out a breathy laugh, his eyes fluttering open as he gave her a lazy grin, 

“Such an awful nickname,”

  
  
  



	4. new beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James comforts Regulus

Marlene left an hour later, her professor had called her in about a possible internship; as much as Regulus just wanted her comfort he knew this could be life-changing for her. His heart felt heavy when he shut the door after, the walls shaking slightly, so he decided the best course of action would be to sleep all these confusing emotions off. Did he love Marlene? Well obviously he loved her but was he  _ in _ love with her? What about Sirius? Was he willing to forgive him? Sirius left him in pieces when he left but what if he was being given the chance to pick those pieces up? He groaned, as he pulled his grey duvet over his head, the warmth that encompassed him helping to soothe his tense body as he let a dreamless sleep wash over him. 

He was awoken a few hours later by a loud pounding on the door. Assuming it was his neighbours he swung himself out of bed, awkwardly stretching as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He looked at himself in the mirror, his eyes were less puffy although they were still slightly bloodshot and his hair was still a mess. He picked up a small comb laying next to where the mirror stood on his dresser, he dragged it through, not registering the pain shooting through his head as it pushed apart the knots that had begun to wildly grow. Another knock sounded at the door, 

“Alright I’m coming!” Regulus grumbled, patience seemed to be hard to come by around here,

“Reg? It’s me, James,” 

Regulus’s brows furrowed, looking back at his reflection as if to say ‘ _... What.”  _

He quickly ran to the front door, throwing the comb that had still been attached to his hair onto the living room sofa. He paused as he rested his hand on the door knob, wondering if it would be easier to throw himself out of the window instead. It’s not like he didn’t like James, he was funny and kind and couldn’t keep control of his cat but if he was band mates with his brother… Well that would be awkward to say the least,

“You know,” James said, voice muffled from the layer of wood that separated them, “I can tell you’re on the other side of the door, your feet they like cause a shadow and um-” he sighed, “Just let me in Regulus I want to talk to you.” 

Regulus turned the doorknob and almost instantly James barrelled into his room,  _ he must have been leaning on the door,  _ Regulus thought as James stumbled to not lose his footing whilst simultaneously attempting to keep a cup holder upright,

“I- Uuuh. I brought coffee.” James said, sheepishly, holding up the cup holder. 

Regulus laughed, taking one of the to-go cups with James’s cafe’s logo written on the side, it was cold - and not in the way he liked an iced chai tea, just cold - but he took a sip anyways, not wanting to insult James after such a sincere gesture. They both stared around the room for a while, avoiding each other's eyes, instead choosing to focus on literally anything else; the clock, which ticked slightly too slow; the tattered curtains, which hung slightly too low; or the door, which creaked slightly too loud. Everything was just slightly off.

  
“So…” James started, drawing out the words, “Sirius told me… about everything, but I swear down, Reg, I didn’t even know he had a brother.”

That stung. His own brother hadn’t even mentioned him to his best friend, “He just told me his parents sucked when I took him in, he was always quiet when we talked about family. I promise I never would’ve introduced you two if I knew.” 

“Wait… Took him in? You’re Prongs?” Regulus asked, slowly putting the pieces together in his mind. 

Sirius never liked to talk about his school friends when he was home, fearing if his parents knew who they were they would’ve found a way to cut him off from them. So he used code names, not wanting to leave his brother completely in the dark, after all, before they had been shipped off to different secondary schools, they had been as thick as thieves: there was Moony, the ‘bad boy’ of sorts, smoking cigarettes and flipping off teachers by day but secretly helping younger years with their homework afterwards; Wormtail, possibly the least flattering code name Sirius could have given him, he always gave the greatest advice, Sirius had told him, always knew what to say and when to say it; and finally, Prongs, the ‘ringleader’ of sorts, funny, charming and with a talent for getting out of trouble - from what Regulus had seen of James so far, this held true to present day, 

“Oh you know about our nicknames? Nice, well yeah um- I am.” James said, with an awkward chuckle, his hand rubbing the back of his neck, “Can we sit? Catch up, you know. I’m slightly angry at Sirius too, I suppose, I mean he had a brother, the whole time… mental.”

Regulus’s mouth twitched upwards slightly, ushering James over to the grey sofa, “Sure, yeah, of course.”

“Thanks, and um- Do you have a bin in here?” 

“Yeah, why?” Regulus, slightly confused as to the sudden question. 

James smiled, “The coffee tastes like shit.” 

Regulus laughed, he was inclined to agree. 

/ / / 

It was a hard conversation, they sat side by side, their knees knocking against each other slightly when one of them would shuffle about on the sofa. Regulus talked and he listened and he talked some more. He learnt that James had taken Sirius in like his own brother and Regulus felt a pang of jealousy, it was clear they had such a deep connection, a brotherhood Regulus had longed to feel with Sirius as they grew more distant in their teen years. He learnt that the Potter family were quite wealthy, James’s father, Fleamont, having invented all kinds of hair products that grew them quite the fortune, maybe not quite as large as his parents (having a high position in the government was a testament for that) but it was enough for him to get a higher education, the pair even got a degree in business - the other two Marauders, Moony and Wormtail getting degrees in music and fine arts, respectively. Emotions ran high as James recounted all the childhood memories Regulus never got to experience; it was no surprise when his breathing became more erratic and he dipped his head to hide the tears falling into his lap. He placed a hand over his mouth, trying not to alert James. James noticed. 

“Hey, bud um- Please don’t cry,” James said, just louder than a whisper, his deep voice trying to find the words to comfort the boy next to him, “Um… Sorry I’m not great at the whole, um, crying thing. Wait, I’ll- Let me distract you. What’s your favourite colour?”

Regulus didn’t reply, his eyes burning holes into the ground, unblinking, as his thoughts ran free from the cages he locked them in,

“Mine’s green,” James continued, “Sage green to be precise, it’s actually, uh- why I painted the cafe that colour… This isn’t working.” 

James looked down at Regulus, not in a pitiful way, the way you would look at a puppy caught in the rain, but a look as if to say  _ I know you’re hurting, I just want to help you not hurt so bad.  _ He chewed his lip, before tentatively placing an arm on his back, rubbing light circles across it, his fingertips tracing the ridges of his spine and the dip of his shoulder blades through the thick, woollen layer of his jumper. The situation was strange to say the least - he had only met this guy a few days ago and now he was consoling him because his brother left him, his brother being James’s best friend of all people. James was still angry at Sirius, well, less angry more… disappointed? James grimaced slightly, he sounded like his parents. But it was true. He was disappointed in Sirius for leaving his brother behind, Sirius was family to him and he was certain they could have taken Regulus in too. He was also still upset that Sirius never even told him about Regulus, they were best mates for Merlin’s sake, sure they had their own small secrets but he would hardly count a secret brother as small. He sighed again, slowing his hand down till it came to a stop in the centre of Regulus’s back, he could only imagine what the poor guy was going through; his long lost brother comes back out of the blue after eight bloody years and he’s expected to just carry on with life as normal. 

“Reg, do you… Do you ever think that maybe, just maybe I’d get if you didn’t of course, you’d want to reconnect with Sirius?”

Regulus tensed beneath his hand and James grew nervous, waiting to be kicked out of the dingy apartment, “Maybe.” 

James breathed a sigh of relief, “Well we have a concert in a couple days, all of us down at the park, maybe you’d wanna come? Could meet all the boys and have some fun. Not to toot my own horn but I’d say we’re pretty good,” he grinned and Regulus cracked a small smile, his lip cracking slightly from the dryness, 

“I’ll think about it, thanks James. I really do appreciate it.”

“Don’t you worry man, maybe you could even bring Marlene,” James wiggled his brows, saying her name in a sing-song voice, “I didn’t misread that did I? You two are like together? Or just absolutely swimming in tension.”

“I actually don’t know…” Regulus thought back to their kiss, almost forgetting it had happened, he enjoyed it but they didn’t really talk about where they stood now, teetering on the edge of friends and something more, “I think so. But I’m not… sure.”

James laughed, “I get it man. Figure it out soon, she seems like a nice girl.”

Regulus smiled wistfully, tugging the sleeves of his sweater over his hands, “She is.”

James got up to make his way to the door, accidentally bumping into the kitchen table on his way to which he laughed and ruffled his hair. He turned the doorknob and with one last look at Regulus said, “Think about the concert.”

But Regulus had already made up his mind. 

All he needed to know now is what he was going to wear. 


	5. The concert

Regulus gulped as he looked himself up and down in the mirror. He had tried on more outfits than he could count on his hands: suits, denim shorts (even scuba gear), you name it, before eventually deciding to switch out his usual attire for a pair of straight fit trousers and a white button down shirt. Not too casual, not too formal. He was sure Marlene was going to look flawless - she always did - and he wanted to be able to keep up with her, not quite his style but hey, it’s always good to switch things up. Marlene had texted him at exactly 12:17 pm - he remembered this because she texted him at the exact same time his pot noodles finished cooking - and informed him that she would come to his apartment and 6, giving them two hours to get prepared and walk down to the park (Regulus didn’t understand why she was coming so early but at least it gave him the opportunity to ask the dreaded question,  _ what are we? _ ). 

It was 5:59pm when he heard the knock on the door. He moved away from the full length mirror that lay in the corner of his bedroom, wiping the small specks of dust off of it, delaying opening the door. He felt ridiculous, this was Marlene for goodness sakes, she cries at disney films and sappy videos of dogs, she tags all of the clothes she wears in her social media posts so people would know where to buy them if they liked them, they kissed! So why did it feel like his heart was made of bricks, the weight dropping into his stomach the more his heart rate increasing? Before he had the chance to even make his way into the kitchen the door opened, 

“Hey Reggie, I let myself in if that’s okay.” 

“Yeah it’s fine.” he called from the bedroom. 

It was. 

“Great, can I invite Gideon over to get ready with us? He wanted to come and support James, you know I think most of the area is coming to watch!”

“Yeah that’s okay.”

It wasn’t, 

“Wait actually Marlene, uhh, I was just kinda wondering if we could talk for a bit. Like without Gideon, if that’s okay?”

“Yeah it’s fine.” 

Life felt like a loop sometimes, this thought would strike Regulus from time to time, often on hearing repeated sentences (like just then) or sometimes it came when the bad thoughts came. He hadn’t had bad thoughts for a while. That was good; the bad thoughts were not. He didn’t like the loop, the idea that the same thing was happening over and over again, just in a different format. Maybe this concert would help, he next to never went to stuff like this, preferring to just play some soft jazz on his speakers as he dined in over jumping about to live music but hey, it’s always good to switch things up. His mouth twitched slightly, there went that loop again. 

He left the comfort of his bedroom and took the dive. His jaw hung open slightly as his eyes gazed at Marlene, she was just sitting on his sofa, her back hunched over as she looked at something on her phone but Regulus knew he had never seen Marlene look so beautiful as she did in that moment. She was wearing a black dress - Regulus wouldn’t even know how to begin to describe it (given his ‘sense of fashion’ was making the switch from skinny jeans) other than that it was very  _ very  _ pretty. As she turned away from her phone to look at him he saw more of her face, her makeup was simple consisting of some mascara, eyeliner she once used on him (he would never admit to her but he did think he looked quite nice) and tinted lip gloss that made her lips look even fuller than they usually did, 

“Hey,” she smiled that smile that made Regulus smile softly, “There’s a couple hours till the concert, what was it you wanted to talk about?”

Regulus’s eyes widened slightly, unsure where to start, “So… You know how we like, kissed? What… was that?”

Marlene seemed to slump a little bit seemingly disheartened by his slightly careless way of putting things so he continued, “No, no, no, don’t get me wrong I like, liked it. Just… What are we? Ew I sound like a teenager again.”

“Well, I liked it too Reggie, I like you…”

Regulus grinned, it wasn’t that he never got attention like this, he liked to think that he was a fortunate looking guy but it felt satisfying to hear it from her. It felt like putting the last jigsaw piece into the puzzle or the first spritz of a perfume bottle, 

“I like you too Marlene.”

/ / / 

The concert was crowded. The one nearly empty state Regulus had last seen it in was long forgotten, coloured lights blared across the darkening sky, alcohol was being poured into disposable cups and the yells of anticipation made quite the cacophony of noise. He smiled and grabbed hold of Marlene’s hand, guiding her past the crowd of people who already seemed semi-drunk, he pushed their way out of the mass of people until they reached the side of the stage that had been set up. The stage wasn’t big, enough to hold probably 6 people standing comfortably and there was a small jungle of wires snaking their way around the instruments gathered but it felt homey in a way. Behind the large black cloth that acted as the backdrop of the stage he saw James and the others, frantically whispering something. His heart dropped as he saw Sirius, emotions still chasing miles around him since they first reunited. He shook away the bad thoughts before he let the  _ bad _ thoughts poison them, he was here to support James, maybe to reconnect with his brother, sure it wouldn’t be the same as before but in his fairly short time he had spent on Earth the lesson that stuck with him the most was, ‘ _ Forgive but don’t forget’.  _ Marlene nudged him slightly, noticing the drifting look in his eye. Marlene was good at that; noticing when the  _ bad _ thoughts were coming and snapping him out of it before they reached him. 

“Come on, Reggie, let’s go say hi to James,” she yelled, trying to make her voice heard over the continuous screams coming from the audience, 

“You know how much I hate that nickname,” Regulus smiled, attempting to ease the tension of the conversation slightly. Marlene could tell he was just saying it to move on from the subject but she laughed along anyways. 

“Oi, Reg, Marlene!” James yelled, waving them over to the group, “Hey you guys I’m so glad you made it. Marlene you look as gorgeous as ever,” he looked Regulus up and down, taking in his outfit change, the twinkle in his eyes changing to something more, which Regulus assumed was from him being impressed, “And Regulus you look…  _ Different, Fantastic _ actually.”

Regulus laughed, his slight blush being hidden by the night sky and cold air, he never was great at receiving compliments,

“Well, I guess I should introduce you two, um, this is Sirius, as you know,” James paused awkwardly as Regulus met his brother’s eyes, quickly averting them, “And these two are Remus or Moony as you know him and this is Peter, or Wormtail.”

Remus had shaggy light brown hair and a long scar ran across his right cheek, cutting through his eye and ended slightly above his eyebrow, he was tall, easily the tallest out of the four and was quite scrawny, opting for a baggy flannel shirt with dark grey joggers. Peter - the shortest out of the lot - had closely cropped blonde hair which complimented his sharp facial features, his were dark - almost blending in the sky around him - and he wore a tight T-shirt and jeans. 

“I’m Peter,” he said, “It’s good to finally meet you,”

“And I’m Remus, I’m so sorry it took us this long for my boyfr- friend to finally introduce us.”

Regulus chuckled as Sirius elbowed Remus. The four didn’t quite know what to say, just listening in on the crowds screams slowly growing more and more impatient, 

“Well I guess we should go,” Peter said, chuckling, “Don’t wanna piss them off before we even begin.”

“Yeah, he’s right,” James said, “Um you two can go back in the crowd if you want or you can hang at the side, whichever you prefer. 

/ / / 

Regulus decided to stay at the wings whilst Marlene danced her way back into the centre of the crowd. James gave him one last pat on the back before running onto the stage, the other boys following him. He chuckled, noticing a few envious girls glaring at him before diverting their attention back to the band, he couldn’t blame them. He could admit James was objectively good looking with his tousled black hair his tanned skin and his muscular arms-

Regulus could see where they were coming from, that was all.

He bounced on his feet excitedly once the first song began to begin, it was a little lonely but he didn’t want to stop Marlene from having her fun and crowds had always made him feel claustrophobic. He rubbed his hands together as a puff of white shot out of his mouth, he was slightly regretting not bringing a jacket. He watched as the Marauders each took their respective places: Peter on bass, Sirius on drums, Remus on guitar (although he also had a microphone next to him) and James stood at his own microphone, adjusting it slightly to his height. He nodded to the beat, waiting for his cue as he began to get lost in his own music. 

Regulus loved watching people get absorbed into something that they’re passionate about; James was no different, his eyes closed as he moved his mouth away from the microphone to hum to the melody that was beginning to roll in. 

He cheered along with everyone else as the drums kicked in, for a moment forgetting everything that was going on with his brother and just enjoying the steady beat, rock music had never quite been his thing but he had to admit he really did like the start to this song. He cheered even louder when James began to sing. His voice was deep and silky, he didn’t have perfect technique but it gave it a charming quirk. Soon Remus joined in as his guitar riff played off of the bass line Peter was expertly playing whilst harmonising with James. Regulus - like many other topics - didn’t know much about music, aside from a few titbits about old bands he picked up from pub quizzes he was dragged to as a child and the radio he had on in his car as he drive, but he could tell you that the Marauders really were very good musicians. 

By the time the chorus repeated itself Regulus had a broad grin on his face, he wasn’t jumping up and down like the massive crowd on the other side of him - he thought it would be slightly awkward to jump alone - but he was tapping his feet along to the beat, hands stuck firmly in his trouser pockets to try and beat the cold, whilst yelling the lyrics he managed to pick up, his voice flooded by all the others. A broad grin stretched across his face so wide that his cheeks hurt from smiling so much. As the set list ran on, each song more energetic and better than the last, Regulus found himself screaming tunes, jumping up and down - no longer caring about who was watching - when he accidentally bumped into a woman who had walked up next to him. 

She fell to the ground, her fiery red getting slightly muddy as Regulus clasped his hands over his mouth and started furiously spewing apologies, “Oh Merlin, I am so so sorry,” he said offering his hand out to her for her to take, which she did, “I thought I was the only one on the side him I cannot apologise enough-” 

“Don’t worry about it, really,” she smiled, her bright green eyes scrunching up as she smiled, “I just came to get a better view, I’m Lily,”

“I’m really sorry but I don’t think you’re meant to be round here, I think it’s for friends and family, sorry.”

“That’s an odd name. Sorry, that was an awful joke, but don’t worry about it I know the guys very well, I’m James’s girlfriend and the band’s manager.”

Regulus paused, James had never mentioned a girlfriend, although he had hardly had many conversations with the man.  _ Well, that was cool, super cool even, James was a great guy, handsome guy, and this Lily girl was a pretty girl, they were perfect, great, super cool,  _ Regulus thought. 

“Oh, nice.” 

“Yeah we were gonna go back to the cafe after the concert, wanna come? I’m assuming you're a friend of James.”

Regulus was slightly bothered by how nice she was, not that she was overly nice but in a way he was hoping she wouldn’t be nice at all, he was not quite sure why he thought that, “Oh yeah I am, we met a few days back. And yeah, I’d love to come.”

“Oh great,” Lily smiled, it was a genuine smile, Lily seemed like a genuine person.

Regulus didn’t like that; and he didn’t know why. 

/ / / 

The two were still talking by the time all four boys ran off stage, he felt like he’d learned so much about her in such a small amount of time. Her name was Lily Evans, her favourite colour was orange, she had an engineering degree and she was the true owner of Peanut the cat. tThe crowd’s disappointment that the show had ended was evident as they slowly began to disperse. Their Marauders’ hair was greasy with sweat and their cheeks were flushed pink - not only must their songs be quite draining to perform from how fast they were, but the coloured lights that shone across their faces must be boiling. Regulus, on the other hand, while coming down from the heat of his adrenaline rush after was beginning to feel the chill of the night again,  _ he really needed to find a jacket _ . 

He watched Marlene rush over to them as she weaved her way through the now much smaller crowd who were taking their time to leave, 

“Hey guys, that was a great show, truly you guys were amazing,”

The tall one - Remus - pushed a cigarette he pulled out of his pocket between his teeth and lit it with a lighter in the shape of a bottle of Jack Daniels, “I would be inclined to agree, darling.” 

“Honestly I think that’s the best show we’ve had so far,” Peter grinned giddily, 

“Maybe this’ll make it up to Gideon for all the complaints he got about you guys putting your flyers out everywhere” Regulus said, chuckling as he remembered the irritation on the man’s face the first time they had met, 

“I don’t get what his problem is,” James laughed, “How are we meant to advertise the greatest band in the world if we can’t put posters up?”

“Greatest band in the world,” Lily chuckled, 

“Excuse me! You’re meant to be our manager, more importantly my girlfriend!” 

The group laughed before deciding to head back up to the cafe for some ‘coffee’ which Regulus knew was just code for copious amounts of alcohol. It wasn’t too far away from the park, only a five minute walk so they all started to walk alongside the pavement, maybe not the most glamorous mode of transportation for the big-shot musicians the Marauders dreamed of being but it did the job, 

“Hey Regulus?” Regulus turned from where he was walking with Marlene to see Sirius standing there, biting his thumb, trying to hide the staggering amount of nerves he was feeling, “Can we, uh, can we talk?”

Regulus clenched his jaw,  _ forgive but not forget,  _ he told himself, except everything became harder to forget when he was standing right there. He vaguely felt the  _ bad _ thoughts but but he pushed it off, pinning it down to the anticipation of the hangover he knew he was going to feel in the morning,

“Yeah… Yeah sure.” 

“Are you sure, Reggie,” Marlene said, so quietly Regulus thought he had misheard her at first. 

After Regulus explained the whole situation to her, Marlene was not the biggest fan of Sirius - nor was Regulus but he was trying to work on that, 

“I’m sure, love, I’ll meet you there okay,” Regulus gave a kiss to her forehead and let her hesitantly join the others. 

This was going to be a hard conversation. 


	6. The talk

The cold night bit at Regulus’s bare arms. The silence that overtook the two heightened his senses, he felt every breeze of wind and heard every breath he took. They had walked into a small alleyway, a dirty place where the red bricks had been stained hues of brown and green; it was better than talking out in the open - not that there was much talking going on. He glanced over at his brother before resting back onto the cold wall, Sirius’s hair was longer than he usually had it when they were young, it now rested comfortably under his ears whereas their mother always made him cut it short. His grey eyes looked happier than the years building up to his running away. Regulus coughed, breaking the heavy quiet that hung over them. Sirius bit on his thumb again, his nervous eyes darting around, this was a change from the confident and charismatic Sirius he knew, the Sirius he had seen on stage. Neither knew what to say but Regulus knew he wasn’t going to initiate the conversation, Sirius had asked him to talk, taken him away from Marlene, James and the others, to talk. So he was going to wait for him to do it. 

“Reg.” Sirius finally spoke, meeting his gaze for the first time, “I am so, so sorry.”

His voice was hoarse no doubt from singing to himself so he could stay in time in his performance. A strand of hair fell into his face, he didn’t bother to brush it away, letting it hang freely, tickling his eye slightly. His eyes continued to pierce Regulus’s, speaking more words than he ever could. 

“I had to leave. I thought you were happy with mum and dad - with everyone.” Sirius’s voice broke towards the end of his sentence, “I was, I  _ always _ was trying to do what would make you happiest.”

“I was happiest with my brother.”

“I know, I know that now. I was a dumb kid and I thought leaving you would be the best thing. I couldn’t take them anymore - our parents - they  _ hated  _ me, my parents hated me and they wanted me gone.” 

“You could’ve taken me with you.” Regulus said, remembering all those nights where he silently cried for Sirius after he had gone, wondering why he wasn’t good enough, why he was left behind.”

“No, no I couldn’t have. I wanted to, Merlin knows that I wanted to, but you were only fourteen. The feds would find us, then we’d right back where we started, wouldn’t we?” Sirius smiled weakly,

“Would that have been so bad?” Regulus already knew his answer, knew deep down that Sirius was right.

Their parents had been harsh and unforgiving people. They expected their children to act the same, to follow their orders without question, to be less like kids and more like soldiers. The Black family were powerful, high up in the government and known for being and they had a reputation to uphold, after all, if they couldn’t keep control of their children, how would they control a country? This worked well for Regulus, he was quiet and collected and didn’t mind following orders, at least orders were far better than arguing. Sirius, on the other hand, grew to resent his parents for this. When he was young he didn’t understand why he couldn’t go round to his friend’s houses or have snowball fights in the garden; when he was older he found ways to cope: cigarettes, alcohol and even dabbled in party drugs. His parents had given up on him by that point, he was no longer their son, just somebody they saw as leeching off of their hard earned wealth. They fought everyday and every night until Sirius had enough and walked out, only to return a few hours later, basking in the peace after the storm. It’s a self-destructive mind game his parents were winning, they pushed him to the precipice of the breaking point then reeled him right back in. 

“Yes, it would’ve.”

“You could’ve at least told me you were leaving.”

  
  


/ / / 

_ It was the night after Regulus’s birthday. The day had passed surprisingly peacefully. Above all the lavish gifts he had been showered in by his parents and their wealthy friends, he was most grateful that no arguments had broken out. Regulus was laying on his bed, since his birthday was in the Summer his duvet would be suffocating if he tried to climb in it so he settled for just his pyjamas to cover him from the humid air. It had only just past 3 am (he knew this from the loud chimes of the Grandfather clock that pierced the quiet house, it was situated directly outside of his door - something he was not a fan of - and would be practically impossible to miss, even in his sleep) when he heard it. The unmistakable sounds of creaking floor boards beneath a person’s feet. He had lived in Grimmauld Place his entire life so it was easy to tell who the footsteps belong to: Sirius. It wasn’t an unusual occurrence, every other night or so he would come downstairs under the disguise of the night to get a snack when he thought no one was awake, it was when he heard the large black door open that something felt wrong.  _

_ Regulus begrudgingly got off the soft mattress he was laying on and opened his bedroom door. He may not have liked the grandfather clock positioned just down the hall from him but the one benefit to the house’s layout was that his room in the same hallway as the main entrance,  _

_ “Sirius? What in Merlin’s name are you doing,” Regulus asked as he put his slippers on, absentmindedly tugging on the ends of his pyjama shirt.  _

_ Sirius was fully dressed in his leather jacket and black jeans accompanied by a white shirt promoting a band Regulus had never heard of. He was going out somewhere. Regulus’s voice caught his attention and he whipped his head around, pressing a finger to his lips - a warning to be quiet. He nervously ran a hand through his short hair,  _

_ “Listen, Reg, I’m just going for a drive, just to clear my head.” _

_ Regulus could tell something was off, Sirius had always been smooth and calm, he was never this antsy before he went out. Something was very different to those other nights he had seen his brother storm out of the house in fits of rage, even then he always managed to flash Regulus a smile before leaving; this time there was no trace of happiness on his face, but if there was one thing he knew for certain about his brother, it was that there was no stopping him when an idea was planted in his head, all you could do was hope that the plant blossomed into flowers and not shoot out like a weed,  _

_ “Okay,” Regulus said, sighing and hanging his head slightly, “Bring me back some breakfast, yeah?” _

_ “Y-yeah, Yeah I will,” he turned back and passed the threshold of their home, into the quiet, cobbled streets of London, he stopped and took a last look back, “I love you. You know that, Reggie? I love you so much.” _

_ “I love you too.” _

_ The next day Sirius was still gone, no trace of him aside from a neat, hand-written letter written for his brother, laying on his pillow. The day after that his parents called the police - not that they were any help; Sirius knew how to disappear without being seen and knew how to stay hidden until he wanted to be found. Regulus didn’t say a word to them.  _

/ / / 

“I could have,” Sirius gulped, “You’re right I could have, I am sorry for that.”

“Sorry does fuck all now, you understand that don’t you? You left, left  _ me _ , your brother, alone. Sorry doesn’t fix the days I spent wanting my big brother back.”

“I know it doesn’t, please believe me when I say it was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.”

“Oh, piss off, Sirius!” Regulus yelled, tears betrayed him, making his voice fill with sob, “Piss off. Why should I trust you? Why trust you after all of these years, huh? I have no reason to, no reason at all.”

“I’m your brother, Reggie,” Sirius looked hurt, staring at him in disbelief, he couldn’t blame Regulus for how he felt, he was certain he would feel the same if he was in his brother’s situation; still, it  _ hurt _ , 

“I know. And I hate it. I hate that I’ll never be able to separate myself from you, I hate that no matter how much I try to hate you I can’t and I hate your stupid face for showing up here when I tried to be a new person. I even hate myself for not hating you because I know that I should.” Regulus felt like a child again, a young one, before he knew how cruel the world could be, crying over not getting the toy in the bottom of the cereal box. 

The silence they had spent so long feeling awkward in resumed, it wasn’t so uncomfortable this time. An overwhelming feeling of sadness had made its way out of Regulus and a weight he didn’t know he had had been lifted. He was nowhere near ready to forgive his brother, that would take a long, long time, but this conversation ignited a spark of hope within him, the idea that if he already felt a little better who’s to say one day he’ll be ready to accept Sirius’s apology completely. The idea was comforting to him. 

“So…” Regulus cleared his throat and Sirius turned his head from where he was looking at his feet kicking small stones around towards him, “You have a boyfriend now? The tall chap, Remus, was it?”

Sirius looked at him for a couple moments and for a fleeting second Regulus wondered if he had said something he shouldn’t have. That worry went away, however, as Sirius barked out a laugh, his eyes crinkling.

“You figured that out?” he asked, still smiling, 

“Was I not meant to?” Regulus asked, 

“Oh no, it’s fine, I just thought, you know, since we’re,” Sirius pulled a face and put air quotations, “‘reconnecting’, I’d ease you into that.”

“Nice, seems like a good guy.”

Sirius smiled, a far away look in his eyes, “Yeah, yeah he is. Much better than me at least.”

‘Well, doesn’t exactly take much to beat that,” Regulus said, although he had a cheeky smile on his face.

Sirius was about to suggest heading back to the bar to meet with the others when a figure stumbled into the alleyway they were in, clearly drunk and having to hold onto the wall to keep from falling over, 

“Oi, Reg, Sirius,” James yelled, a bit louder than necessary, “Are you lot coming or what?” 

The brothers laughed at their intoxicated friend, wondering how on Earth he managed to make the five minute walk from the bar to where they were without getting lost but choosing not to dwell on it, 

“You know you guys,” James said, his words slurred and missing a couple syllables, “I got lost in three different alleys before I found you guys, and this very nice gentleman offered to hold twenty dollars for me, isn’t that nice?”

He grinned goofily, okay so maybe he did get lost and mugged by the sounds of it but he managed to get there all in one piece, which Regulus saw as an impressive feat. The pair walked out of the alleyway, greeted by rib-crushing bear hugs and kisses on their foreheads (which James emphasised with a loud ‘Mwah’ sound). 

“Oh wow you really went for it buddy,” Sirius laughed, slowing his words down so James would be able to comprehend what he was saying, “Where are the others, Jamie,”

“Jamie?” James pretending to gag, “Ewwwwwww, the others are back at the bar, or maybe their sleeping? I can’t remember, I think the funny juice did something to my brain.”

“It sure did, buddy,” Regulus said, he turned to Sirius, “Don’t you dare let him forget about this in the morning will you?”

Sirius grinned, “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

“You know, one of us should probably go make sure the others are okay, it seems like they got into the alcohol before us. We should check they haven’t tried to find their way home on their own.” Regulus said, always the voice of reason. 

“Yeah, you’re right, do you wanna go? I can take James and you can call the others a cab,”

“Yeah sure-”

  
At that moment James collapsed into Regulus’s arms, smushing his face against his face against the man’s shoulder, “Noooooo,” James said, whining and drawing out his words like a toddler, “I wanna go with Reginald, he has a comfy sofa.”

The sober men laughed, “Reginald, huh?” Regulus laughed, “That’s a new one.”

James looked in his eyes and put on the most serious face he could, scrunching his eyebrows, “Mmhm, Mr Reginald.” 

“Well, I’ll leave you two to it,” Sirius said, winking as he walked towards the bar. 

Sure his life was a bit of a mess, but it was hard for him to care as he began walking down the road that led to his apartment, choosing instead to focus on the massive man pushing all of his body weight onto him. 


	7. The aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regulus walks James home

The black lamp posts that lined the quiet street emitted a harsh yellow light to the area around them. Regulus and James’s shadow had merged and danced across this light that was highlighting the cobblestone ground. There was no sound except the unintelligible mumblings of the drunken man, which brought a smile to Regulus’s face. His arms ached from holding up most of James’s weight - he had always been quite scrawny, only weighing in at about 140 pounds, on the lower side of average for his 6 foot self, and James definitely put on more muscle weight than him, despite only being a couple inches taller - but he didn’t mind the slight workout (given how much his writing habits made him forget healthier habits like exercising most days). 

“Y’know Reg, you, you are pretty cool guy,” James said, tilting the head that rested on Regulus’s shoulder up to look at him, his goofy grin stretched across his face so hard it must hurt. 

“Thank you James.” Regulus laughed, matching his own smile. 

James stopped walking, planting his feet on the ground so firmly that Regulus had no chance of moving him. His smile faded to an exaggerated pout as he ignored Regulus’s hands trying to push him forward and get them back to the comfort of his apartment as soon as possible, 

“Nuh uh, Reg, you gotta say it back.” James said, pout still evident on his face although a small smile tried to overtake it. 

Regulus sighed, he didn’t have much experience with talking to drunk people - never being one to be avid on the party seen and when he was he usually drank with whoever he was with, despite the never-ending teasing about how much of a lightweight he was - but he was fairly certain that James was pretty out of it (and that he was going to have a hell of a hangover the next morning).

Regulus sighed, faking annoyance, “You are pretty cool too, James.”

“Like you mean it.” James’s brows furrowed as he giggled, 

“Really?” Regulus laughed, “I think you are so, so cool James, the coolest person I have ever seen.”

James smiled as his pout disappeared, “Thank you, Reg.” 

James planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek - which Regulus put on a fake smile and tried not to wipe it off in case he offended him; James was already drunk, the last thing he needed was an  _ angry  _ drunk on his hands. He didn’t think anything of the kiss, just a mate who was off his head from too much beer and was getting a little over-friendly. 

“Reg?” James asked, pushing off Regulus slightly to stand on his own two feet, “Aren’t you cold?” 

Regulus found it endearing that even when he was wasted, James was always the mum friend, “I guess, I’m fine though.” 

James chewed on his lip, before shrugging his jacket off and draping it over Regulus’s shoulders, it instantly warmed his body (which he hadn’t even noticed was lined with goosebumps and shaking slightly). It smelt of pine wood and James’s cologne - slightly sweaty too since it was the same jacket he had on stage but Regulus didn’t care all that much - and the sleeves were far too long, falling all the way over Regulus’s hands. The two continued walking, James had sobered up a bit but still needed Regulus’s support to walk in a straight line and by the time they reached the building with his flat in it, James had managed to trip over seven times; Regulus had started counting after number four. 

He fumbled with his key slightly before managing to open the door to his apartment. The trip up the stairs had been eventful; Regulus was certain he was going to receive a noise complaint from the amount of times he had to shush James’s sudden yelling and also had to stop James from attempting to throw himself down the stairs. They entered the flat, it was almost pitch black but Regulus still managed to navigate his way through it fairly easily (only bumping into a few door frames and tables here and there), once he reached his bedroom he felt around until he came into contact with his duvet. Gently, he laid James down onto the bed and draped the quilt over him, James mumbled slightly but before he had time to say anything he had fallen into a peaceful sleep, the only sounds that could be heard was the faint ticking of the clock and the soft snores coming from beneath his quilt. 

He smiled, “Night, James.” 

Regulus shut the door behind him, taking extra care to ensure he didn’t wake James up to the sound of it slamming and walked over to the sofa in his living room. It was a bit too small for him to lie on and slightly cold but he made do. He took off James’s jacket and draped it over his legs since he didn’t have any blankets that weren’t back in the bedroom and tried to drift off into the land of his subconscious - it didn’t work. He tossed and turned but sleep wouldn’t take him, the crick in his neck from where he was resting against the arm of the sofa was making itself hard to ignore and his clothes clung to him. He stood up and undressed, deciding that if he wasn’t going to be able to sleep he should at least be comfortable, he was left in his underwear but found a pair of basketball shorts he must have strewn across the room earlier that week and decided to put those on too. He sat back on the sofa - this time resting against the back instead of lying down. He pulled out his phone and turned the torch on; he couldn’t do much on his phone without putting the volume on (he had never even attempted to dabble in social media) so he decided to lay the torch so he could see what he was doing and pick up the notebook and pen he always kept on the coffee table. 

The notebook was a simple back, leather-bound and with his initials ‘R.A.B’ inscribed with gold lettering at the bottom. It contained every story, every poem, every thought, every script he had ever conjured up written within its pages and together they weaved a vague outline of experiences which mirrored his own, of course they were hidden beneath fantastical worlds of dragons and wizards and the like but if you looked underneath you would find something that would resemble himself. A piece of him embroidered into his tales. According to the rejection letters he had stashed away in his wardrobe, his work was uninspired - a violin without its bow or Hades without his Persephone - he was determined to change that. Even reading through the hundreds of inked pages he could see how lifeless his drafted manuscripts were, how did he even think about submitting these? He sighed to himself, opening up a new page. A new start. 

/ / / 

A loud groan could be heard from Regulus’s bedroom, causing him to look up from where he had been furiously writing, his hand cramping from the effort. He had turned off his phone torch a couple of hours ago, not wanting to use all of his battery and the light of day had begun to seep in from the semi-shut living room curtains to aid his endeavours. He laughed, James was definitely feeling the after effects of his hangover. Regulus got up and walks only a few feet till he reached his kitchen, he opened one of the many chipped cupboards and got a plastic cup and filled it with water (it’s not that he didn’t trust James but he didn’t want to risk losing a glass cup over him) as well as popping a couple pills out of their container. 

He knocked on the hard wood of the bedroom door, being welcomed with another loud groan. 

“James, mate, you good?”

“Yeah.” came a muffled reply, as James’s face was buried in the pillow. 

There was no need for Regulus to flick on the lights as the room had already been filled with light from his window, he set the water and pills down on his bedside table and James gave a weak thank you before attempting to doze off back to sleep. 

“Ok, I’ll leave you to it,” Regulus said, backing away from the bed and towards the door, laughing to himself at the dishevelled state of his friend, 

“Hey, Regulus. I know I sound like shit at the moment but thank you, I ‘ppreciate it, I mean it.”

Regulus blushed slightly, he always did hate getting compliments, “It’s no problem.”

Regulus walked back into the living room and picked up his notebook, scanning over the pages he had written throughout the night. It was riddled with spelling errors, particularly towards the morning as exhaustion began to crash over him, but there was no denying that it was some of his best work. Extracts of the world he had been brainstorming truly entranced him as if he hadn’t been writing those sentences mere hours ago and the quotes he had scribbled down in odd places were more profound than what he had ever thought of before. 

Regulus began to work on a new manuscript, certain that this time his work had the life it was looking for. 


	8. Peanut

It had taken Regulus a month to finish the next couple of chapters in his manuscript. 

In between that time he had: gone on a few proper dates with Marlene, tried coffee flavoured ice cream for the first time, decided that coffee flavoured ice cream is an abomination to the modern world, hung out with his new friends (including Lily, who he had not expected to find as charismatic as he did), hung out with Marlene some more and realised… He had realised he wasn’t in love with Marlene. He loved Marlene but - to quote 75 percent of the cheesy rom-coms she made him watch - he wasn’t  _ in  _ love with her. It had been so long since someone had been as kind to him as she had, in fact, his new friendships had taught him not to mistake familial love for the romantic kind, and that is exactly what he had done with Marlene. He felt awful, he felt like he was playing her, I mean, it had taken him a whole month to realise as he watched her fall more in love with him, he felt like he had taken advantage of her feelings although he knew he had done nothing wrong. He couldn’t tell if he was mistaking kindness for romantic chemistry or if he just needed a distraction from how busy his life had become. Either way he knew he did not want to date Marlene, he just needed to figure out a way to let her down gently. 

He knew their relationship wasn’t going to last forever; Regulus was leaving in just three months anyways, but he imagined they’d have some emotional departure at the airport, leaving Regulus with an abundance of new material for some poetry. Maybe that wasn’t the greatest outlook to have - pre-empting their relationship’s demise before it had even happened so he’d finally be able to get his life back on track, but it was the one he had taken, and it’s not like he hadn’t enjoyed the time they spent together; Marlene was his best friend after all and she truly was great company, so why couldn’t he bring himself to fall in love with her? He sighed, life was far too complicated for his liking. 

He turned off ‘Star Trek Discovery’ which was playing idly on the small TV, he usually liked the background noise but today it was only adding to his mess of a thought process instead of drowning it out. His large hands ran over his face, rubbing the tiredness from his eyes, causing the skin beneath to redden slightly, before running them through his messy hair, gasping sharply as he accidentally tugged on a matted knot. He thought about getting some coffee down at James’s place, saying hi to Gideon or James (maybe Peter, who sometimes picked up James’s shifts if he was busy), but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was not so patiently waiting on a letter from the publishing company he had sent his manuscript to and he was certain it was going to arrive soon; whether the news was good or bad he just had to know, Remus had joked that the suspense was starting to raise his blood pressure - not that Remus could blame him; it was quite the prestigious publishing agency and if they accepted it could be his big break, it may be unwise to put all his eggs in one basket but, man, it was a fancy basket. 

His eyes widened as he heard a van pull over on the side of the road, this had to be his letter, his hands starting moving nervously, flapping about as his foot tapped aggressively against the wooden floor. Another couple minutes past as he waited for the familiar sound of the letter to swoosh in through the flap in his door, his eyes large as he watched. A knock sounded at the door and Regulus nearly jumped out of his skin before he raced to the door, maybe the letter was too big to put through the letterbox? Maybe that meant they had accepted him? Maybe- 

“Regulus open the door, dumbass,” 

Oh. 

“Hurry up, Reg, I got a surprise for you.” said Sirius, 

“Sirius I’m sorry but I’m actually a bit busy at the moment-” Regulus swung the door open and Sirius strided in, some sort of carrier in his right hand, 

“Can you do me a favour?” Sirius asked, gently placing the box onto the kitchen counter before walking back over to him, 

“Um, depends,” Regulus asked, annoyed that his riveting day of waiting for the postman had been disrupted, 

“Great, I knew you’d say yes,” Sirius smirked, 

“Wait, no, I didn’t say y-” Regulus tried to say, 

“I need you to cat sit Peanut for me, you know, James’s cat, he’s going on some weekend getaway with Lily, he thinks it’s ‘romantic’ apparently, and he doesn’t trust me around it,” 

“It is quite romantic.” 

“Reg, there is nothing less romantic than the middle of the woods; you eat mushrooms you find off the ground and are practically sitting ducks waiting to get murdered, I swear you lot haven’t watched any horror movies or you’d know how shit a cabin in the forest is just a recipe for disaster.” Sirius shuddered, emphasising his point, 

“I don’t think they’d eat mushrooms off the ground,” Regulus said, wondering why on Earth Sirius would think that, “Plus why can’t James tell me that himself?” 

“Already gone,” Sirius strolled over to Regulus’s fridge and started eating some of the contents, “I may or may not have already told him you agreed,”

“Sirius!” Regulus yelled, laughing in disbelief, looking over at the man who was hunched over his fridge, snacking on something that looked out of date but that didn’t effect Sirius, 

“What? He was getting in a proper strop about it so I told him you’d do it, what’s the problem? Peanut’s got his food in the carrier, litter box too, and he’s basically asleep all the time anyway - lazy git.” 

“What’s the problem? Sirius, I don’t think I’ve ever met someone as oblivious as you- You know what, fine, I’ll look after the cat, for James’s sake, but if it shits in my shoes I’m going to kill you.” Regulus said, although he was smiling slightly, 

“Fine by me.” Sirius said, “I gotta run, see you later,”

And with that Sirius left, leaving Regulus staring blankly at the sleeping cat. 

/ / /

The swish of the letterbox came two hours later, Peanut had crawled his way into Regulus’s lap and as much as Regulus wanted to say he found the golden fluff ball annoying, he couldn’t. He had been watching a gogglebox rerun when it happened - the anticipated swoosh that is - and he leapt out of his seat (now extremely grateful that cats always land on their feet) and ripped the envelope open, scanning the letter to see what he had waited so long to know, it was only the first few chapters of the story but he knew the industry enough to know that that’s all the publishers needed to have interest sparked:

_ Mr Regulus Black,  _

_ Upon viewing the first few chapters of your manuscript, and given your previous attempts at publishing with our industry, which we had deemed fairly unsatisfactory due to the lack of personality and unique writing style… Blah blah blah… The publishing industry is one of the most varied out there with all sorts of literary agencies that could be publishing your work at this very moment so we are honoured that you chose us out of all your options… Yada yada yada…  _

Regulus tried not to skip the more boring information but his eagerness got the better of him as he skipped to the last paragraph - the paragraph that would decide his fate and quite possibly his entire career path:

_ And we are extremely pleased to tell you that we would be interested in seeing where the rest of your novel is headed, if it continues to be at the quality it is currently, we would be absolutely delighted to publish your story, please write the next few chapters and email them over to us and we’ll see if we’d like to pick up your novel.  _

_ Kind regards,  _

_ Severus Snape  _

He shook from excitement before throwing his fists around wildly in a victory dance he was embarrassed that even Peanut had to watch. He had done it. All he needed was to write the next few chapters and who knows what could happen. He looked at who had signed the letter, Severus Snape, the name Snape seemed familiar in his head but he couldn’t quite put a finger on who it was, either way, it was hopefully the name of the man who would change his life forever. 

He looked around the apartment, realising he was alone save for Peanut. He needed to call someone. He opened his phone and made his way to his contacts, his finger hesitated over Marlene’s name before dropping down to Sirius’s - after all if he was trying to amend his relationship with his brother it was only right that Sirius was the first to know… right? He clicked the phone button, fingers still shaking as he pressed the phone to his ears, 

“Hello?” Sirius said, yelling over what seemed to be the roar of a motorcycle, 

“Sirius! I’ve got amazing news, like genuinely incredible news… Hang on, are you on a motorbike? Sirius you better not be calling me while your driving,” Regulus said, panting slightly, out of breath from the adrenaline coursing through him beginning to die down slightly, 

“What? No, relax Reg, Moony is driving; said he wanted to ‘feel my arms around his waist’ because he’s a sappy bitch,” Sirius said and Regulus could hear Remus’s laughter echoing from the front of the vehicle, “Anyways, what’s the news?” 

“I did it, they said yes, the publishing agency, they liked my book!” Regulus rambles, still giddy as the surreal experience slowly started to sink in, 

“No way! Oi Remus, Reg said they liked his book!” he yelled over the sound of traffic to which Regulus could hear muffled yells of excitement coming from where he was, 

“You guys should come over, celebrate with me and Peanut you know?” 

“Sounds good, Reg, we were just on our way back from vodka mini golf so we’ll stop on by, no promises about how sober we are though.” Sirius said, giggling, and it was only then did Regulus notice the slight slur in his voice, 

“What in Merlin’s name is vodka mini golf? Sirius please tell me you're not drinking and driving.” Regulus said, panicking slightly, 

“No, mum,” Sirius groaned, “Remus isn’t even tipsy ‘cause he’s shit at mini golf, you get a hole in one, you get a shot of vodka, simple.” Sirius said, explaining the rules of the game as Regulus mentally added yet another reason to the list of things that make him wonder how his brother is still alive. 

“Fine, just get over here quick, I’ll invite Gideon, Marlene and Peter, I fancy getting absolutely hammered in the middle of the afternoon.” 

“Oooo Marlene, your girrrlfrienddddd.” Sirius said in a sing-song voice, you would think for a man at the ripe old age of twenty five would be past his immaturity; he was not, 

“Sirius, you are literally with your boyfriend as we speak.” Regulus chuckled, 

“Tomato, potato,” 

“That’s not how the saying goes-”

“We’ll be there in ten minutes, we’ll bring the booze.” Sirius said before hanging up the phone,

He then rang Gideon and told him the good news to which he replied, ‘ _ Oh sick man, does that mean we can drink?”,  _ followed by ringing Peter who showered him in endless congratulations, for someone who looked so tough on the outside, he was genuinely a really nice guy. Over the month that had passed he was probably the Marauder that he hadn’t spoken to compared to the other guys, of course he would still call him a friend but he hadn’t really had the time to bond with him, so it was always reassuring to know that he had the option to connect with him if he so chose to; in the midst of the big city, good friends were hard to come by. 

He took a deep breath before ringing Marlene, it rang only once before she picked up, as expected, she was absolutely stupendously happy for him, and it made his heart ache to think that he was going to have to break up with her soon. She truly was the dearest friend he had and he didn’t want to lose her, but equally it was so wrong of him to keep stringing her along like this. He invited her over anyways and before he hung up she said something that made his heart drop like how an anchor drops to the ocean floor, 

“Bye Reggie, I love you.” 

Shit. 


	9. Celebrations

Gideon arrived first, his hair braided and pulled back into a bun, carrying a card and a poorly wrapped present, 

“Sorry, mate, I wanted to grab you something but it was kind of short notice, soooo,” he said whilst awkwardly shoving the box out for Regulus to take. 

Regulus unwrapped it quickly, revealing itself to be a slightly banged up box of chocolates. Regulus decided that it was the best present he had ever received; he was not a materialistic man by any sense and the lavish gifts his parents used to shower him in to compensate for all the trauma they caused were no match to the first truly heartfelt gift he had received in a _long_ time. 

Marlene arrived next, greeting him with a kiss and a tight hug, which Regulus grinned and bared, the pit of guilt settled in his stomach only growing. She spotted Gideon’s gift and playfully said that the only gift she needed to bring was herself. And Regulus laughed. And he felt guilty that he laughed because it only made breaking it off with her harder, the fear that they wouldn’t even be able to be friends still loomed heavy over his head. 

Peter arrived only a couple minutes late, blaming it on the traffic but had made up for it by practically jumping on him in a bear hug, the kind that was so tight that you think you’re suffocating but in the best way possible. 

About half an hour later Sirius and Remus burst through the door, about five bottles of alcohol tucked beneath their arms, 

“What happened to ten minutes?” Regulus raised his eyebrows as he took a sip from his drink, smirking slightly,” 

“We got… lost.” Sirius said, eyes shifting as he placed the bottles onto the counter, 

“Yeah, lost.” Remus said, the scar resting over his eye seeming to tense slightly, 

“Right,” Marlene said, laughing that pretty smile that crinkled her eyes. 

The smile was so pretty. Regulus knew it was so pretty. He knew it was so pretty so why couldn’t he love it the way he wanted to love it? The way he was sure Marlene loved his smile and the smile any sane guy would love her smile because it really was a pretty smile. 

“Who cares what they were doing?” Gideon said, “We’re here to celebrate!” 

The group cheered, so loudly they didn’t even hear the stamping on the ceiling from his neighbours, and Remus popped open one of the bottles - which turned out to be a champagne that looked far too fancy for how much money they earned - as white foamed mixed with the pale wine shot out across the walls, dripping down the walls and even managing to land a couple drops on Peanut’s fur (to which they laughed but put the cat in Regulus’s bedroom; they knew James would have their hides if anything happened to his beloved cat). 

After a couple hours of celebrations, mass amounts of alcohol and more noise complaints then Regulus’s fuzzy mind could keep track of, they decided to facetime James and Lily to tell them the good news, after all Regulus hadn’t even thought to distract them from their weekend getaway that he was so jealous of - because of the beautiful lakes there, no other reason… Obviously. 

“Ay, congrats mate I always knew you could do it,” James said, his hair messy and his voice low and gravelly, as if he had just woken up, causing Regulus to feel slightly guilty (even if it was 3 in the afternoon)

Lily’s head popped into the screen, her green eyes glistening and a smile on her face, “Yeah congrats Reg, I’m so proud of you,”

A warmth bubbled in Regulus’s chest, sure he’d had all sorts of friendship groups during his travels across the world - the one person who always seemed to stick was Marlene, however - but none felt so tightly knit as this one, he truly felt connected to them, like some, some… _magic_ had brought them together. He knew things weren’t great; he was trying to find a way to break up with his best friend, he was still harbouring negative emotions towards his brother ( _I’m working on it_ , he had sworn) and he was babysitting a cat that appeared to be the reincarnation of the devil with the way it destroyed everything in sight. Regulus shuddered as a wave of fear ran down his spine, he dreaded to think about the chaos he was going to find his bedroom in once the party ended. 

“Come on then, let’s hear the letter,” James said, voice slightly crackly as the connection buffered, 

“What?” Regulus asked, snapping out of his thoughts,

“The letter you stupid git!” James said playfully, receiving a slap on the chest from Lily as he laughed. 

/ / / 

The group were silent, the only sound that could be heard was muffled scratching from a certain cat’s claws. Broken glass and wine puddled below them; Peter had dropped his glass in shock and they had all been too frozen to move. Even through the facetime call Regulus could tell that James and Lily were just as shocked, not even the sound of static breaking through the sullen mood that had overtaken them. 

Severus Snape. _Snivellus,_ was publishing his book. 

It seemed the world had a funny way of working. It brought together old friends, old rivals, lost brothers, in such a way that felt like a bitch slap in the face. Regulus knew he recognised the name, the nights before Sirius had run away they used to have all sorts of conversations about their schools (since their parents refused to send them to the same one in fear that Sirius ‘infected’ his younger brother with his ‘rebellious’ beliefs) and - aside from the mysterious gaggle of crazy nicknames Sirius had donned his friends with - Severus Snape, or ‘Snivellus’ as he had so affectionately been named, was the one to crop up the most. All kinds of pranks and not so friendly competitions and fights. All manner of trouble had been caused by the group’s rivalry with the boy Regulus knew as ‘slime-balled, greasy haired, big nose twit’. The boy - now man - who would hopefully be launching his career. A funny way of working indeed… 

Peter coughed, the first to dare try and break the silence, “Maybe… Maybe it just so happens to be a… _different_ Severus Snape? I mean, how uncommon could the name really be?” 

He received no answer, the rest of the group - even Marlene who had caught on fairly quickly - was solemnly staring at the letter, almost wishing for a way for the words to magically rewrite themselves, to erase that far too familiar name and replace it with some stranger, some random person who didn’t just so happen to be the one person that would destroy the celebratory mood instantly. The words, unfortunately but not surprisingly, did not disappear, in fact, they stayed exactly where they were, the signature standing smug in their faces. 

“We’re gonna… We’re gonna go.” Lily said, eyebrows knitted, and before Regulus could say anything the familiar sound of the hanging up button floated through the air, his ears clinging onto the small bit of sound to evade the deafening quiet. 

He knew James hated Snape most of all; James hated bullies. He was one himself once, Sirius had told him after coming back from a particularly harsh row at school, in his younger years he’d picked on some of the other kids, nothing too serious but enough to make his victims keep their heads down when passing him in the corridors. It had been in their 5th year - the year before Sirius had left home - that he had a change of heart, for Lily, Sirius had said it was. Said he came to the revelation that if someone even tried to tease her, even if they weren’t together back then, well let’s just say that the poor person who attempted to mimic James’s actions would find themselves a one way ticket to the hospital. Snape never came to the same revelation, he had also been in love with Lily (which probably didn’t help James’s hatred towards him) but never seemed to realise that tripping up younger years and stealing people’s money out of their blazer pockets was not the greatest way to win her affection. Lily had always been friendly to him - after all she was friendly to everyone - but she also wasn’t afraid to give him a good few yelling ats, which had simultaneously fuelled her growing disdain towards him and hurt Snape’s ego in the process.

“Yeah, yeah we should get going too.” Remus said, wrapping an arm around Sirius’s waist and leading him out of the door before he could set off the smoke alarms with how much was puffing out of his ears, jaw clenched in anger. 

“Me and Gideon… We’re covering shifts up at the cafe… Sorry, you guys, I would clean up the glass and stuff but you know-” Peter said, awkwardly shifting on his feet,

“I get it, don’t worry,” Regulus said. 

And he did get it. He knew how hard it must be for them to come face to face with the name that had stirred so many negative emotions in their teen years in such a powerful position, a position which could decide the fate of their best friend’s brother. He watched the pair leave, both offering sympathetic smiles and carefully treading over shattered pieces of glass and making their way back to the cafe. 

Now it was just him and Marlene. He chewed his lip slightly as Marlene stood there awkwardly, not quite knowing what to say, or if she should say anything at all, 

“Reggie-” she began quietly, 

“I fucking hate that nickname, you know that,” he snapped, walking over to one of the cupboards in his kitchen and pulling out a dust pan and brush. 

He crouched down and began sweeping up the glass, the mess of alcohol soaking into the hard bristles. His mop of hair swept into his face, hiding the glassy look in his eyes as they began to fill with tears. Why couldn’t his life be straight forward? Why is it that when he finally feels like he fucking belongs somewhere the rug gets pulled out from under him? Like it’s all some cruel, twisted prank that fate is pulling on him. He scoffed, what even were the chances of this? Some higher being was fucking with him, toying with its food before they grabbed him with their pointed claws and dragged him down to wherever it is that you go once you’re gone. 

“W-what?” Marlene’s voice wavered slightly, taken aback by how angry his words are, his demeanour such a stark juxtaposition to who she saw her sweet and loving boyfriend as, “Regulus, I’m sorry, you know I didn’t mean it-”

“I think we should break up.”


	10. The Speech

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter took so long!

Regulus hadn’t seen anyone in a week. His slow-running tap and habit of buying a surplus of food carrying him through without the need to visit anywhere. His head pounded and his eye bags dragged a deep purple-grey, somehow managing to deepen throughout yet another restless night. Caffeine withdrawal. He hadn’t touched the stuff. The watered down coffee he could pour into a chipped mug in his apartment was no comparison to the rich flavours he could get at the cafe; he couldn’t bring himself to go down there. It had been radio silence for six days; on the first he had received dozens of angry texts and missed calls (a few of his friends even going as far to leave voicemails which yelled too loud for Regulus’s sensitive ears), a punishment for breaking the heart of his best friend. They had only dated a month, but they had been friends for years and he had torn through that memory’s tapestry with a sharp dagger, leaving only a gaping dark hole in its wake. 

The messages came to a stand still, and so had his feelings. He was completely numb, incapable of feeling any kind of guilt or sadness for what he had done, the prominent ache in his forehead encompassing his thoughts; overtaking them, no matter how many ibuprofen pills he took. The _bad_ thoughts had come back. A lot worse than they ever had before. Before, they had made him angry and mad at the world for putting him in such an awful place, a place where he was so privileged in his lifestyle that he couldn’t complain but where the one thing he truly cared about - his family - was in utter ruins. This time the thoughts were sad, and that was so, _so_ much worse; when the thoughts were angry he could punch a wall, throw a plate maybe, but the last time the thoughts were sad, well… The sad thoughts weren’t good, and that was all Regulus (and more importantly his parents) cared to dwell on when it came to the subject. 

He tried to ground himself, gripping the white porcelain of the cramped bathroom’s sink until his knuckles almost matched the colour, it left an all too familiar pain threatening to shoot up his palm but it stopped the shaking - he didn’t like the shaking. The sound of the silver tap running blended with his staggered breaths, leaving the rest of the room silent; the window was locked shut so not even the cacophony of noise from on goers could help divert his thoughts. He was completely and utterly helpless. His friends weren’t angry about the whole publishing situation, a little shocked sure, but deep down they knew that this was a life-changing opportunity for Regulus and they had no right to stop that over a pitiful secondary school feud that they had decided to leave long in the past for the sake of their mate - or at least Regulus hoped they were still mates. He needed them almost as much as he needed Marlene, and considering he had messed that one up he was clinging on to the idea that they didn’t _know_ Marlene, not like how they knew him. 

It was toxic, Regulus knew this, but it was an idea he could leech onto and thoroughly believe in. Sirius and him had been picking up the pieces of their brotherhood, had been on their way to becoming family again, he had gone for lads nights out to get drinks and woven their personalities into his work, he had been assigned to take care of James’s cat for Merlin’s sake, that was, until, Marlene had taken him after the breakup. Oh, Marlene, she always had known what was to come - knew that James wouldn’t be able to face Regulus upon hearing the news. He knew he wasn’t the bad guy, well maybe he was the ‘bad guy’ in this situation, but he wasn’t a _bad_ guy, he never meant for the breakout to play out the way it did, for his words to come out so harshly as he swept up shattered glass and the broken pieces of their relationship, never meant to yell like he had… His eyes widened in horror as the fog slowly lifted from his mind and the details of what had happened came back to him. 

/ / / 

_“I think we should break up.”_

_Marlene gasped, hands moving to cover her face, refusing to believe what she had just heard. She dug her nails into her cheek, waiting for her body to wake up in a cold sweat, the nightmare nothing more than an unpleasant daydream, “Reggie-”_

_She stopped herself midway through the nickname, not wanting to upset him further, “Regulus, you- you don’t mean that,”_

_Tears began to run down her face as the heavy drop of reality began to kick into place, no comfort provided from the man crouched in front of her - the man she had loved, still loved - instead watching as he continued to sweep the glass, his mop of hair protecting himself from having to face her, she coughed, a sob escaping along with it, “You could at least look at me.”_

_“I don’t want to.” Came his reply, voice low and scratchy, unreadable._

_“Why, Reg? I thought… I thought you loved me? I thought after all these years you had finally looked at me the same and I thought you truly cared about me.” Marlene whispered, voice soft, she was rarely on the receiving end of a break up and it stung more than she would have thought,_

_“I did.”_

_“So what changed?”_

_“Nothing,” Regulus finally looked at her, eyes wide and glassy, pale face blotchy as he shook his head, “Nothing changed.”_

_“Bullshit.” Marlene said, anger filling her voice and Regulus couldn’t even blame her, not when he couldn’t even give her a proper explanation as to why he was doing this._

_“I did- I do, I really do care about you Marlene, you’re my best friend, you know that, I know that. But I can’t look at you the way you look at me, the way that makes my cheeks flush, my heart warm and my ego grow just a little bit. That’s not fair to you, not fair to me either. I can’t lose you Marlene you gotta know that.”_

_“Why Reg? Why can’t you look at me like that? You told me… You told me you liked me, that you loved me-”_

_“I do love you.” he replied,_

_“Then why can’t you love me enough?”_

_“Oh come off it, Marlene.” Regulus yelled, standing up and leaving the dustpan and brush on the floor, “Stop… Stop acting like I’m some sort of awful person, that I’m breaking up with you because I’m just another dirtbag, shallow bitch ex of yours, just like the rest of them.”_

_Marlene scoffed through the tears, folding her arms, “Well you’re sure acting like one of them.”_

_“SHUT UP MARLENE!” Regulus snapped, “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?”_

_He reached down and picked up a shard of glass, it was slippery still from the alcohol but the ridges still caught along his hand. He stared at it for a few moments, just to remind himself of how he had gotten himself here, how something so small as a dropped drink could cause so much misery. He dropped it as he heard Marlene gasp in fear, watching as it shattered into even smaller shards before him, some landing on the pan and some scattering across the kitchen floor, he whipped his head round to see Marlene staring at him, eyes wide with nerves, a fresh wave of tears flowing. Regulus paused, confused, before she spoke. Regulus wished she hadn’t; the pain in her voice wrenched at his heart, pounding at his chest and screaming at him, ‘how could he do this’,_

_“R-reg, don’t touch the glass anymore… please.”_

_It dawned on him like a bag of rocks crashing onto his heart, she didn’t think he would do anything, did she? They had had fights before and she’d never even dream that he would do something like that,_

_“Marlene, you don’t think I was gonna…” he trailed off, disgusted at even the idea crossing her mind._

_She stood there, neck bobbing slightly as she swallowed, Regulus tried to step forward, to reassure her, to hug her, to apologise, to do all of the things he should’ve done to begin with, but she just took tentative steps backwards, stopping only when the backs of her legs hit the sofa,_

_“D-don’t… Just don’t… I know you would never but… I just need time, and a lot of it.” Marlene sighed, the look of fear still glistening in her eyes, “Reg… I don’t know what’s gonna happen, I think... “_

_Regulus pursed his lips, salty tears falling down his face, not caring about the stinging it was causing in his blood-shot eyes. He knew what was coming, it was the exact thing he had been so careful to avoid and now he had ruined it all in the heat of anger,_

_“I think this might be the end of us…”_

_The words trickled down his ears like how blood would run through a tunnel. They both knew what she meant, that this wasn’t just the end of their relationship, but the end of their friendship too._

_“I’m going to take Peanut, I’ll get him back to James okay, I don’t know what’s going on with you Reg, but I know this isn’t you… This,” she gestured to the glass, “Is not the Regulus I knew, the Regulus I fell in love with,”_

_Regulus knew there was no point in trying to stop her, he had always admired and secretly loved her stubbornness but right now it was the very thing that stopped him from calling out to her, from salvaging the greatest friendship he had ever known, his voice was void of any love when he spoke “You know where the door is.”_

_The loud slam was quiet to his ears. He was far too distracted by the memories echoing through his mind. Depictions of West End shows she had dragged him to see, holidays he had insisted bringing her on, empty fields where they played tag, not giving a shit that they were far too old for such childish pleasures. Because they had fun. And now that fun was a memory when he had promised her that it would last a lifetime. He couldn’t bring himself to sob, to yell, to break something. He just replayed all of the good times over and over again until his surroundings faded and all he saw was her. Her smile, her hair, her eyes, her mouth. Every detail in her face that he had committed to memory so that once their lifetime was up he would be able to see her in the afterwards - wherever that may be - only he didn’t know that their lifetime could be ripped away from them because of his rash emotions getting the best of him._

_/ / /_

It had taken him the entire week to get to where he was now, a week to confirm that his darkest fears were true. A week to tear out the piece of paper in his notebook that he had held most valuable to him. 

The pair had written them as a joke, he was sure that Marlene probably never put too much thought into hers, after all, it had been 3am and after an entire bottle of red wine between them that they had come up with the idea, but Regulus had worked on it even after Marlene had left, perfecting each line until he was sure that it was one of the greatest pieces of writings he had ever written. And so he watched as the black ink was ruined by the water flowing into the sink, the water mushing the paper until it eventually slipped down the drain, an unspoken souvenir of his love going along with it. Sure he could’ve used it for somebody else, but it was for Marlene, and even if she never wanted to speak to him again, it would always belong to her. 

It had taken him a week to watch his best man’s speech flow down the drain, yet it still felt like it had only been moments ago when he lost her.

The _bad_ thoughts were back, and they were about as dark as the ink trickling down his sink. 


	11. The hospital

For a while he thought he had died. He still wasn’t too sure. 

His memories were fuzzy, he remembered slipping and hitting the ground and feeling the darkness overtake the sharp ache in the back of his head. The only thing keeping him from slipping off was the painfully loud beeping of all sorts of machines that surrounded him. It reminded him of the coffee shop in a way, the doctors seemed more panicked and tense then the breezy atmosphere that James and Gideon seemed to harbour but - just like in the cafe - all the machines laying around him seemed far too complicated for him to understand and the unknowing comforted him in a strange way. He felt the loop again, it felt just like when he had stepped into the cafe for the first time, only now he was scared, and he didn’t even have Marlene to comfort him.

He had embarrassingly stuttered when the kind nurse asked for an emergency contact, not knowing who would take enough pity on him to come see him after all that he had done. The Marauders - Lily, Gideon and Marlene included - valued loyalty above all else, he had learned that very quickly, and he had broken that trust. Had made Marlene feel scared all because he didn’t know what to take his anger at the world out on. And so he had chosen her. And he regretted it more than anything he had regretted anything before. He eventually decided on Peter and Lily (originally asking for Gideon but wincing when the nurse had come back and said he had left a strongly worded message, which could be summed up - without the excessive profanities - with ‘I would literally rather eat my own foot than talk to Regulus Black), assuming that they would be the most sympathetic out of the lot. He had fallen asleep before the nurse had time to ask him another question and she decided to let him rest; there was nothing too seriously wrong with him - a nasty knock the head that’s for sure - but the small puddle of blood that had been surrounding him when his neighbours had found him (finally deciding to act upon their countless noise complaints) was less serious than first feared. What he truly needed was rest and a shit ton of painkillers. 

/ / / 

Peter nervously ran a hand over his buzz cut. He had bleached it since his and Regulus’s last encounter and so the once brown-fading roots were back to the familiar blonde. He was sitting in an uncomfortable plastic chair - the kind you’d find in a primary school and not a medical institution - and it rattled and threatened to give out as his tapping foot intensified. Lily was next to him, her face contorted into features of concern and her red hair straightened and resting behind her ears. Regulus had come to find out in their time of being friends that she had quite the loud personality once you got to know her, but now she was oddly quiet, her green eyes rife with nerves, speaking all the words her slightly agape mouth couldn’t. 

The two watched over Regulus’s sleeping form.  _ How could he?  _ They knew Regulus as the sweet guy who would offer to help pick up shifts at the coffee shop even though he couldn’t operate the espresso machine to save his life, who brought them little rocks and flowers that reminded him of them, who just wanted to escape the hubbub of life and live in between the lines of his writing. Marlene had returned Peanut to Lily the night she got back from her romantic getaway with James, they had been expecting their takeaway driver and was instead greeted by Marlene’s shaking form, clutching the carrier tightly in one hand and covering her quivering lip with the other. They had only known each other for a little over a month yet it seemed like they had been friends for years, it was the kind of friendship where you  _ just knew  _ that they were the right people and it seemed like maybe they had been a little too quick to accept Regulus into their circle, blinded by the formalities of being Sirius’s brother. The only reason they had agreed to come was to hear the other side of the story - see if Regulus had some sort of excuse for what he had done - and (as much as she didn’t want to admit it) she would’ve felt guilty leaving him with no one to take him home. 

_ Threatening your best mate? Really, Regulus?,  _ she had thought. Well, by the sounds of it Marlene had said it was less of a direct threat and more of a really plain stupid idea. Picking up a piece of shattered glass right when you’re yelling at your (ex) girlfriend, yes that sounded perfectly rational. It just didn’t sound like Regulus, something was off with him and it was all started because of that stupid Severus. Lily tended to look back on her time at school with a fond memory, however, even she grew to be repulsed by the advances of Snape, what started with a simple childish crush had grown into him tormenting some of her closest friends and he had almost ruined her final years at school. And now he was back. She really could have laughed at the situation if it hadn’t caused so much pain in the recent week, maybe it was some sort of karma; a buildup of all the bad decisions she had made had fused into one hellish pay back or maybe it was just the world’s way of telling that life sucks. Whatever the reason, she was almost as disgusted as James had been when they heard his name being read off of the publisher’s letter. 

Lily diverted her attention to Peter, the blonde seemed just as nervous as he was, his teeth grinding against each other so harshly she thought he would need to see a dentist after the hospital trip as he glared daggers into Regulus’s body, tossing and turning in the hospital bed but not waking from his fitful slumber. Peter’s black leather jacket - which was donned with patches and some questionably talented hand-sewn patterns advertising the band - seemed to cling to his skin; he kept peeling the sleeves off of his arm absentmindedly, not shifting his gaze, but the man did not seem bothered by it, in fact he hardly noticed it at all. Lily, on the other hand, was all too conscious of her surroundings, the way her gingham dress itched her skin, the way her belt dug a little too tightly into her stomach and the way her hair tickled the bare skin at the top of her back. At least it kept her distracted from what she was here to do, she reasoned, knowing the inevitable that was to come once Regulus woke up. 

She mentally cursed as Regulus stirred in his sleep directly after that thought, she had never been super into spirituality like Marlene was but she was sure as hell certain that she had just jinxed herself, watching the man on the bed sweep his hair back as it regrouped itself into its natural, messily charming state. He groaned as he tried to push himself up into a seating position, his arms giving out on him, still sore from his fall only hours ago. It was only then did he notice his visitors, a mix of fear and relief washing over his face before awkwardly looking at anything other than them. 

He decided, instead, to focus his gaze onto the glass of water that rested on the make-shift bedside table the hospital supplied. It was half empty, he quickly decided. 

“Reg, the nurse said we can leave in an hour or so, they just have to run a couple more tests, make sure they didn’t overlook a concussion or something like that,” Peter spoke softly, a stark juxtaposition to his appearance that Regulus always thought to be thoroughly endearing whenever they had hung out. 

He nodded, not trusting his voice to come out steady as he felt the scratchiness in the back of it lingering. Lily remained quiet, just watching him, her stare sending shivers up his spine from the intensity, small bumps forming over his skin despite the warm temperature of the hospital room, he felt ashamed of what he had done; not that he hadn’t before but seeing his friends made the surreal feeling of it all fade away, in its place leaving a burning feeling of disappointment deep in his veins. He felt his peaky face flush, maybe it was a mistake asking for them. Sirius may have been more forgiving since he was doing his best to get back on Regulus’s good side - however, in all the years they had spent apart, Regulus knew Sirius had a flair for his stubbornness, just like Marlene, and hated cowardice more than anything else. That’s what Regulus felt like:  _ a coward _ , for he had yelled at the greatest thing that had walked into his life until she left, all because he was too scared to face his own feelings from what had happened before, because he felt so alone and bitter when his friends had left that he took the easy way out and forced  _ all  _ of them to leave, because instead of holding her close he let his fear over take him and made her walk out the door, so she wouldn’t be able to leave before Regulus was ready. 

Merlin, he felt like an asshole. 

“Why’d you do it, Reg?” Peter’s voice broke the insufferable silence, “Marlene she’s- She’s such a great girl, why couldn’t you just let her down gently Reg?” 

Regulus closed his eyes and sighed. It was so hard to answer questions you didn’t know the answer to, especially when you  _ should _ know the answer but you just don’t, trapped in the headlights but you don’t know how to move. Tears welled in his eyes as he looked up at the pair once again, he just gave a gentle shrug, not having the strength to answer, 

“Cut the bullshit, Regulus.” Lily snapped, suddenly, tone matching the fire of her hair, “Marlene is one of my best friends,  _ you  _ were one of my best friends, and you hurt her Reg, you hurt her so fucking bad.” 

Regulus didn’t miss the way she emphasised the word ‘were’, 

“I know...” Regulus’s voice was gravelly and cold, it was an unsettling thought to realise he hadn't used it in over a week, “I know. And I am so, so fucking sorry you guys, I really am.” 

“It’s not us you should be apologising to, Reg,” Peter said, voice quiet as he looked at his feet, shoes scuffing a light grey from their usual black as he kicked the ground. 

“I know.” 

/ / / 

The drive home was miserable, to say the least. Regulus sat in the back seat as Lily drove and Peter rode shotgun. He nervously picked at the leather seats of the car, leaving small crescents from where his nails had been digging in to the material, silence hung thick and heavy as they passed street after street, Regulus couldn’t help but envy the bystanders that the vehicle flew past, it seemed he would rather take on the trials and tribulations of their lives than wade through the murky depths of his. The buildings began to blur together; offices, ice cream parlours, over priced apartments. They all became one and the same, just another pit stop for people with lives that were far less complex than his own. Deep down he knew this wasn’t true. He knew just how privileged he was but he still couldn’t outrun the feeling that he was drowning in the vast ocean of the  _ bad  _ thoughts and he had no life jacket to cling on to, Lily and Peter were just in the front seat but they felt islands away, blinded by his mistakes - unable to see his regret and his guilt and his pain and his  _ fear. Fear.  _

After a couple of fruit pastilles he had found in the side compartment of the car and a low-volume coverage of the news, they had arrived at his dingy apartment, 

“Do you guys, uh, do you guys want to come inside? I could make tea? Or we could go get coffee?” Regulus asked, desperate for human contact again, more importantly, contact with his friends, 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, bud,” Peter cut him off, looking at him from the drop down mirror,

“Yeah, me and James have like, this thing planned… Sorry.” Lily said. 

Regulus gulped, trying to conceal how much their words had hurt him. He deserved this, after all. 

“Yeah that’s cool, maybe some other time?” he asked hopefully, offering a sad smile,   
  


“Yeah… maybe.” 

Regulus opened the car door, ducking his head to avoid bumping it and further injuring himself, as he walked to his door and fumbled with his keys slightly he waited to hear the familiar exhaust of the car as it drove off; it never came. Instead he heard the sound of a car door opening and light footsteps making his way towards him. He turned, seeing Peter standing there with a sympathetic smile. Regulus mentally prepared himself for the yelling he was about to face, you do something wrong you get yelled at, and when you get yelled at you shut up and take it. That’s what his parents had enforced and it stuck with him through his whole life; it was good advice, comforting even, it’s how he knew when to be quiet when his parents were arguing with his brother, sometimes he wished Sirius learned that as easily as Regulus had but there was no point on dwelling on that now. 

Peter paused slightly, closing his mouth right before he was about to speak. He had noticed the flash of fear that sparked in Regulus’s eyes, the way his body tensed and flinched slightly. He looked at the man in front of him with questioning eyes. He decided not to press the subject, or at least not now, for now he needed time, only able to offer one last piece of advice, 

“Talk to Marlene, yeah? She misses you. We all do. We just need some time.”

Before Regulus could answer, could challenge his statement, he turned on his heels and walked back into the car, not bothering to wave goodbye before he told Lily to drive away, leaving Regulus alone once again. Regulus wished that Peter knew that he would not talk to them again. After all he deserved this; the silence. You fuck up, you accept the consequences and you don’t fight them. That’s what his parents had told him. With disobedience comes pain. 

It was good advice, comforting even. 


	12. Outnumbered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know this is super short but I wanted to build up *jazz hands ensue* suspense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: dark thoughts, nothing too heavy

_“Hey it’s Marlene, I’ll probably forget to check this, sorry, but leave a message after the beep!”_

Regulus could hear the cheery tone in her voice over the phone. 

Merlin, he missed her. He had never felt such a deep longing for someone like this before, never felt that he could explode at any second and just destroy whatever’s closest to him, all for her. All because he missed her. _Punishment_ , he reminded himself. _Bad_ thoughts were okay, it meant that he was feeling the punishment, the pain that followed screwing up. 

He let out a broken yell of frustration and isolation, launching his phone at the wall on the other side of the room, instantly smashing the device into small shards of glass. He sobbed again, there goes that fucking loop he was spending his time running away from. Glass shards got him into this situation and it was only fitting that they’d keep him here, engulfed in his misery, no longer having any form of contact with the only people he cared about - not that they had made an effort to reach out anyways. 

Shaky hands ran through his hair, stuttering as they went. His dark locks were covered in grease, clinging to his forehead, he hadn’t even had time to think about showering, let alone work up the energy to do it. His eyes screwed up, lashes meeting the skin of his cheek - which was inflamed and damp from his tears - as if trying to escape where he was, trying to wake up from this nightmare and be greeted by soft comfy pillows and sheets and the distant unease of a bad dream fading away, as he’s embraced by a feeling so tender it can only be summed up in one word, ‘ _warm_ ’. Except he wasn’t. The clock kept ticking slightly too slow and the _bad_ thoughts kept swarming, wasps to a nest. There was no escaping this. 

_Unless there was._

The bad thoughts kept swirling. 

_There was a way out._

Clouding his every thought. 

_You could, Regulus._

Replacing them with new ones, _bad_ ones. 

His stare burned holes into the wall he was facing, unseeing, unblinking, his pink-tinted lips chapped and cut in places, yet he made no effort to close his gaping mouth, he could hardly feel his body, like the only sentient part of him was the _bad_ as they swirled, surrounding him, outnumbering him. Regulus felt sick to his stomach. 

He was outnumbered. 

  
  
  



	13. A silence that's bottomless and real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> another short one sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: violence? (not really just very brief descriptions of blood and stuff), dark thoughts, implied stuff for next chapters
> 
> based off 'Real death' by Mount Eerie

Dreams were strange things. They represented your innermost thoughts, compiling memories and pain and fear, all for you to be unable to escape. Sure most people were blessed with good dreams most nights, confusing, perhaps, but overall it was a pleasant feeling to wake up and be able to tell someone, ‘ _ You know I had a crazy dream last night _ ’ even if they weren’t paying much attention, sometimes it was even nicer to forget what you dreamt completely, sand trickling through your palms as you try to cling on, memory becoming fuzzier the more awake you feel yourself becoming, it was one of those odd feelings that wasn’t quite nice but wasn’t quite bad. It wasn’t quite in the middle either. It was just one of those things. 

Regulus, however, was not custom to enjoying dreams like most, nightmares had always been a staple of the dark, spanning as far back as he could remember. Flashes of beatings from monsters who turned into his father, his mother, even his brother before fading into the shadows of the dark. Cold sweats which he would feel in real life too, scenes of horror films he always regretted watching replicating in the depths of his subconscious, so vivid that he would often fear that they were real. 

The nightmares had been getting worse ever since the night he broke things off with Marlene. 

None were as bad as this. 

This time he could not wake up because he could no longer tell what was real. Night blurred with day and fake blended with reality until he really felt the blood pooling around his spine, could really feel the cold and the aching and worst of all he could feel the deafening silence. It was not meant to be this quiet, that was one of the only things he was certain of. What was he certain of? 

_ My name is Regulus Black.  _

He told himself, forcing his chest to take deep and unsteady breaths, even if this did turn out to be nothing more than an encapsulating nightmare he was going to get himself through it. 

_ I’m twenty two- no, I’m twenty three years old.  _

_ If my grip on time hasn’t fallen out of my hands completely, then it is my birthday today.  _

_ I am a complete and utter fool who has royally fucked the last few weeks up.  _

_ I do not want to be here anymore.  _

_ I don’t want to be anywhere anymore.  _

_ My favourite food is chicken and leek pie.  _

The darkness pulled him closer, it didn’t feel like sleeping. Sleep seemed to pull you in when you least expected it, where you’d wake up in the morning and not even realise once it had. He could feel the creeping darkness of whatever it was. It came slowly, crawling in through his peripherals, overtaking the blur of whatever he was looking at with nothing at all. Not the kind of nothing that really was just the darkness of looking at your eyelids. This darkness was certainly different. 

He feared that if he followed it - or if it pulled him in first - he would not be able to return. 

He coughed harshly, wheezing as he did, it felt as if his lungs were trying to escape, that they were being overrun with all sorts of weeds and flowers until he couldn’t escape it, the hanahaki disease taking over. Petals would spew out of his mouth as he continued coughing, juxtaposing his bitter movements by gently floating down to the ground, leaving him a decorated path for him to fall onto.

Only this isn’t hanahaki. And this wasn’t some dramatic love sick fantasy he could build a story out of. He was losing his senses. He could never write about this. He was humble enough to admit that he didn’t have the ability to, he could write poem after poem and scripts and speeches and novels and all the like. He would never be able to capture raw fear as beautifully as his body was doing before him. 

The darkness kept following, only this time Regulus recognised it. It was the  _ bad  _ thoughts. They had come to take him home. Twisting inwards into his main eyeline like blistered veins. He would never have the talented to write something as pure as this. Nor did he want to. This moment was for him, and while it may be the worst experience of his life - he felt this as his senses began to shut off, the only one left being searing hot pain all over his body - and there was something so delicate about that. If he made it out of this, no, he couldn’t afford to think like that,  _ when  _ he made it out of this, he would not write a word about it, would not touch the fragile porcelain of this moment for fear of it shattering into shards. 

Suddenly, the pain stopped. It left him and his thoughts alone as his vision continued to slowly decrease. Regulus thought that this was a whole lot scarier, the unknown, the tear between what is and what isn’t.

_ We’ve had a good run.  _

He tried to softly joke to himself, yet he could not even feel if he was laughing or not. 

He knew he must still be breathing, he would be dead already if he wasn’t, and so he willed himself to move his chest up and down, hoping it had worked even if he had no way of telling for the time being. 

The darkness overtook him, leaving him in the abyss, no small blur to focus on. Just him. Alone with his thoughts. The  _ bad  _ ones. Only they didn’t speak to him. 

Something else did.  _ Someone  _ else did. 

Maybe this was the last stage before he finally let go, paranoia, insanity, even, thinking someone’s there when really they hung up the phone weeks ago and hasn’t called since. 

_ “Regulus? Oh shit, oh Regulus, what have you done?”  _

He was hanging from a branch, anticipating its snap, not knowing whether he wanted it to or not. 

  
  
  



End file.
